Friday, September 17, 2010

Stream of Consciousness: Longing

My days are long, my nights are even longer.

I just want to wake from this dream for I must be dreaming. I am *still* numb. Very much in a daze, just trying to figure out why my life is so foreign to me now.

Then, I remember.

Dad is gone. Aunt Elaine is gone.

Grief has set in, but the shock still not gone. Who knew that it could last this long. I had no clue.

I keep thinking to myself that I should be doing something. Something more. Like being at a hospital. Or calling to check on someone to make sure things are okay. Or picking up stuff from the store. Or answering computer questions. Or playing some game with enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm, what's that? Seriously, there are times when my brain is numb. Like when you wake from a deep sleep but are not fully aware just quite yet.

And my friends they are there. They are not. Well, that is to say that some are & some are not. Strange how I would just be there without someone having to reach out, if it were my friend. Yet, I cannot & do not expect others to be me.

There are some days where I just long for someone to reach out bc, honestly, I don't have the strength. Yet, there are some days where I reach out & am disappointed when there is no reaching back.

What do people want from me?

I long to be hugged. I long to be held. I just want to be held. I just want to be in a safe enough place to cry. Something is missing. Something is wrong. Something is missing in the world, & everything feels different.

Right now, I very much feel like I'm that scared little girl who is just longing to be held... a little girl lost... a little girl longing for her Daddy.

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