Just Around The Corner

It is cold & damp here. Summer is gone & fall has arrived. It's been raining on & off & on again for what seems like weeks. As always with me, accompanying the rain is pain. It's one of the perks of having CP. Yipee.

I hate complaining - really; however the pain (and lack of periods of relief) complicates even the smallest efforts (like say for example trying to stay positive) more difficult.

I - we - missed church once again. This time bc of my pain. While I don't believe one has to attend church to have a relationship with God, there is no denying that attending church fills a need in me - a need for fellowship. I crave the connection, especially now.

Being honest, these last couple of weeks have been difficult. I have been going through some things & have been more to myself then usual. Things I do not wish to go into at the moment.

Sometimes, I feel like I only get by on a wing & a prayer. Treading water so I don't drown. History has taught me that when I feel like this, hang in there, bc relief has to be just around the corner.

Humpty Dumpty

Life is crazy. Time passes on. I have neglected my blog once again. Sorry. Really, I should be apologizing to myself. For I am also neglecting me too.

I have always been that way. I am the one who is always helping others, picking them up, holding the peices for them, in some cases - putting them back together. Playing the game of Humpty Dumpty.

The truth is - as it always has been - it is hard for me to let people be there for me, to ask for help or just be selfish & put me first. No doubt it is difficult for me to trust others. I feel like I'm a fireman firewoman, putting out fires as I see them appear. Waiting for the next one to ignite.

I cannot save & protect everyone. I know this. For I am not, nor will I ever be, a Savior.

I have been trying to work on my breathing for the last day or so. I think it is important for me to remember how to breath. Truly. Think about it... When is the last time you took a deep breath & actually felt your lungs expand? Yes, breathing is a good thing.

The point is, everyone has things going on. I am no different. It is okay for me to say, "No, I am sorry I cannot help you right now" & the world won't end. Somewhere in my head I know this is the truth. Now, the challenge is getting the rest of me to believe it.

Stepping Back

It's after 3 AM & I can't sleep. Two days ago, Dad had another visit to the the ER with rapid heartbeat & feeling like he was going to pass out. The good news is his defibrillator, actually doing its job, shocked him into normal rhythm, so they only kept him for a couple of hours & told him to follow up with his doctor.

Apparently,this rythem, wasn't as tricky as this one, only a few short weeks ago. Remember? I am so glad that he is feeling better but I wish that the doctors would figure out what would work best for him, so that he could feel better for longer periods of time. Whether it would be more testing, oxegen at home, a medication adjustment, ect.

Again, I'm trying to keep faith that everything will turn out like it's supposed to be & taking it one day at a time. I have found that's what works best for me. When I am at a lost for what to do, how to make things better, I try to take a step back & see the bigger picture, which sometimes is not easy to do.

So, this is me, breathing in, stepping back, with my eyes wide open...