Thoughts of You

Dear Mandy,

Here it is after one in the morning and I can't sleep. I find my thoughts drifting to you and am easily overwhelmed lately.

Since you left us, some days are better than others. Your memorial will be on May 23, nine days after my fourth wedding anniversary to Jake. Needless to say, I can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that you are not here.

I'll be the first to admit, I have not grieved yet, but it is easy to procrastinate given no opportunity for closure.

I am exhausted. It's been raining here for nearly two weeks straight and I miss you giving me weather reports and writing mini novels on my Facebook wall.

It just occurred to me, that the reason I got up out of bed, into my power chair to blog now, is so that I could blog my thoughts and calm my mind for a bit.

Everything is numb. Well, sort of. This rain is causing a lot of pain, with little relief. Able bodied people can never understand what disabled people go through. And you know, I hate pulling the disability card, but I can not change what is true. The truth is the truth.

As I was grieving for another friend years ago, someone once told me something that I like to think is true for you - even if you could come back you wouldn't want to.

I am comforted by the fact that you are running in Heaven now, free from a body that limited you in so many ways, but could never cripple your spirit.

I love you.

Eight Days

Amanda Lynn Ways

October 21, 1976 - April 23, 2009

Dear Mandy,

It's been eight days since you left us, and it's hard to believe your gone. You are the last thing I think of at night and the first thing I think of when I awake - that's if I get sleep at all. It is hard to put almost two decades of friendship into words, almost an impossible task.

What we had, is what I hope everyone finds in her lifetime - a true unconditional friendship that withstands anything and everything. Sure there were times when our lives took different paths, as life has a tendency to do, but our path always lead us back, as if no time had past at all.

Sometime soon, I must find the words to thank Dina. Who knew that when she introduced us that she had unknowingly gave us both such a wonderful gift. Each other.

There is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to be friends. I'm sure years later, we would have met through Lynne and Bob, but it wouldn't have been the same. Those first years of our friendship are priceless and irreplaceable. I've always believed that God gives you what you need when you need it the most, and that is so true with us.

I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your voice. I miss your ever so detailed stories. I miss your corky sense of humor that you inherited from your dad. I miss your tell it like it is attitude that you inherited from your mom. I miss your spunk. And I miss your spirit.

They say hind sight is twenty-twenty. I truly believe you knew you were leaving us, before any of us knew. Over the last few days, I have heard from many people, time and time again, tell me just how lucky and blessed you were to have me as a friend. That may be true, but I see it differently - I am the lucky one and I'm the blessed one because you were my friend. You truly were a gift to not only me, but this world.

Please watch over us from Heaven, my beautiful butterfly. I love you.

Love Always and Forever,