Father's Day

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. I started out tired and emotionally drained, and remained that way well into the night. Yesterday, was Father's Day, but that was just a technicality, as that had nothing to with my mood or how I was feeling. I spent the day with Jake and Mike, starting at church & ending way too late.

We got lost on the way back from church in the attempt to find a Target, without the GPS that Jake always leaves home (if only I could convince him to always take it with him). Of all places to end up that day, We end up at Mandy's Target, which led me to to ball in the parking lot, with body jerking sobs, something that does not happen often, and rarely in front of people.

The truth is, I got a lot going on. I'm very worried, for reasons that I chose not go into at this point, about many people in my life. I'm choosing to not name them for both their privacy and mine.

I will mention one though, one of my best friend's Rachel, who has Crohn's Disease, is in JHH. Right now, they are not sure what is happening, only that she has lost 11 pounds in a little over a week and they are very concerned. Just know that that there are many in need of prayer and positive thoughts right now, so if you believe please lift them up.

With Every End, A New Beginning

Breathing deep, I take in the morning. I have no idea what this day will bring, nor the night, but something tells me I should start by writing. There is a unfamiliar peace over me, with a million and one thoughts in my head.

Thoughts of Mandy fill occupy my mind & I miss her more than ever. I think it's because Pee Wee is supposed to go to the vet later, since he got hurt a week and a half ago, and I have no doubt in my mind that she would want every detail and would be worried.

Somethings are coming to an end, while new things are beginning. T-Ball and Little League are ending for my nephews, and hopefully soccer is going to begin soon. I so love them with every fiber of my being, and it brings me much joy to watch them play.

As a bonus, I'm becomming friends with the T-ball coach's wife, and I feel as if I've known her forever. Ashley and her family are good people and I love seeing them, and I hope to do more of it in the future. I am glad we met and I hope we are friends for a long time - firmly believing, there is a reason for everything, even if I the reason has not revealed itself yet. Also, the reason my never reveal itself, and I'm okay with that too.

Jake and I, now that he has a new position at work and is available Sunday morning, have started attending church again. Also, Mike has started going with us, just as he had done years ago. He is so much like the little brother I never had, and I love watching him grow, in multiple ways. I do not rejoyce in the difficult life changes he is experiencing, but I believe he is a better person for having gone through them, and truly believe he will be a better - stronger - person in the end.

I have all these questions, with no easy answers, and some with know answeres at all. I can't figure outwhy I feel so different these last couple of weeks, I just know I do. Maybe it's not for me to figure out. Maybe, just maybe, we're not meant to know certain things.

Timeline of Life

It seems like forever since I've written, maybe that is because it has been. This world around me is forever changing... Time moves on whether, I want it to or not. Since my last post, a lot has happened, some good some not so good. Here's a list:

May 10: Jake starts another job with the same company he's been working for, just a different position but with more pay.

May 13: Heather's maternal grand mom passed away.

May 14: Our fourth year wedding anniversary; took Jesse to the vet, got my wheelchair fixed, and went to pay my respects to Heather's family. All, and all just another ordinary day (and part of me believes that's why anniversaries should be, partly because that's what marriage and life is about).

May 15: Get a call from mom saying she is not feeling well, is very dizzy, and that her kitchen table is so messy that she is going to make homemade soup, despite the world spinning around her. Call and checked on her four times throughout the day and night, she does not remember me calling at all.

May 16: Attend Heather's Grandmom's funeral, but decide not to go to the cemetery because it has been raining and all I know my chair will get stuck in the mud.

Between funeral and wake, I call mom and stop by to pick something up from the porch. She is still not feeling well and is very dizzy.

About thirty minutes later, mom calls and ask if we could take her to Patient First (urgent care) after we get done eating. Before we are done, mom's neighbor Sue calls and says that an ambulance is taking mom to the hospital.

2 PM - We go to the hospital, and beat the ambulance there (I find out later that it was because they could not stabilize her for transport). When I talk to mom, she is slurring her words, vomiting and dizzy.

Hours later they run a CAT scan, and it comes back clean, but they think she has had a stroke.

May 17: 1215 AM - Mom is safe in her hospital bed, on the heart unit and we finally come home for the night.

I return to the hospital in the morning and stay till late at night. Nothings new. It's Sunday. Hospitals do nothing on Sundays. Dizziness and vomiting continue. I inquire why mom's on the heart unit. They say it's because she has a heart memoir (which we've known for years) and memoirs can cause blood clots, which then can cause strokes.

May 18: Mom still dizzy, but is able to keep down food.

May 19: They run an MRI and discover that mom has had several mini strokes. They move he to the stroke unit.

May 20: Mom is released from hospital and told to follow up with her doctors. I meet with Mandy's mom and get pictures to do her memory boards from the memorial.

May 21: Start on the memory pieces for Mandy. Very worried about mom.

May 22: Scrapping the memory board, pull an all nighter.

May 23: Exactly one month after Mandy dies, I attend Mandy's memorial.

There is so much more stuff that has happened, but that timeline gives you an idea of it mostly. The bottom line is, there is a lot going on, as always.

I'm just doing what I've learned works for me. Keeping the faith, positive thoughts, and many prayers... Because, in the end, everything happens for a reason & the way it is supposed to be.

Thoughts of You

Dear Mandy,

Here it is after one in the morning and I can't sleep. I find my thoughts drifting to you and am easily overwhelmed lately.

Since you left us, some days are better than others. Your memorial will be on May 23, nine days after my fourth wedding anniversary to Jake. Needless to say, I can't seem to wrap my brain around the fact that you are not here.

I'll be the first to admit, I have not grieved yet, but it is easy to procrastinate given no opportunity for closure.

I am exhausted. It's been raining here for nearly two weeks straight and I miss you giving me weather reports and writing mini novels on my Facebook wall.

It just occurred to me, that the reason I got up out of bed, into my power chair to blog now, is so that I could blog my thoughts and calm my mind for a bit.

Everything is numb. Well, sort of. This rain is causing a lot of pain, with little relief. Able bodied people can never understand what disabled people go through. And you know, I hate pulling the disability card, but I can not change what is true. The truth is the truth.

As I was grieving for another friend years ago, someone once told me something that I like to think is true for you - even if you could come back you wouldn't want to.

I am comforted by the fact that you are running in Heaven now, free from a body that limited you in so many ways, but could never cripple your spirit.

I love you.

Eight Days

Amanda Lynn Ways

October 21, 1976 - April 23, 2009

Dear Mandy,

It's been eight days since you left us, and it's hard to believe your gone. You are the last thing I think of at night and the first thing I think of when I awake - that's if I get sleep at all. It is hard to put almost two decades of friendship into words, almost an impossible task.

What we had, is what I hope everyone finds in her lifetime - a true unconditional friendship that withstands anything and everything. Sure there were times when our lives took different paths, as life has a tendency to do, but our path always lead us back, as if no time had past at all.

Sometime soon, I must find the words to thank Dina. Who knew that when she introduced us that she had unknowingly gave us both such a wonderful gift. Each other.

There is no doubt in my mind that we were meant to be friends. I'm sure years later, we would have met through Lynne and Bob, but it wouldn't have been the same. Those first years of our friendship are priceless and irreplaceable. I've always believed that God gives you what you need when you need it the most, and that is so true with us.

I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss your voice. I miss your ever so detailed stories. I miss your corky sense of humor that you inherited from your dad. I miss your tell it like it is attitude that you inherited from your mom. I miss your spunk. And I miss your spirit.

They say hind sight is twenty-twenty. I truly believe you knew you were leaving us, before any of us knew. Over the last few days, I have heard from many people, time and time again, tell me just how lucky and blessed you were to have me as a friend. That may be true, but I see it differently - I am the lucky one and I'm the blessed one because you were my friend. You truly were a gift to not only me, but this world.

Please watch over us from Heaven, my beautiful butterfly. I love you.

Love Always and Forever,

Praying For Mandy

About an hour ago, I found out my dear friend Mandy, whom I have known since I wad 16, is in the Cardiac Critical Care unit at a local hospital.

She's been having trouble with an illness that has progressively gotten worse since October. As far as I know, they don't know what is wrong with her at this point only that she is having trouble breathing.

Right now, She is unconscious with heavy sedation and on a ventilator. They think she has either a blood clot or aspirated pneumonia.

I am worried, but have faith that she will recover, although I think her recovery will be a long road. If you are reading this and have faith, please send up a prayer or two.

Spring Cleaning

I know it has been a while since my last post - it just so happens to be one month exact. It's funny how that happened by chance. Things have been wonderful but crazy here at the same time. It seems that as each day passes my life changes in some little way, which is not at all a bad thing.

Spring has arrived here in Maryland. The dogwood tree out my bedroom window is budding. The days are beautiful, with sun and blue skies, but it is still cold and chilly at times. Signs of change are among us. I must confess that as the world around me is changing, I am changing just as much - or even more - on the inside. I am not the same person I once was, even a few short months ago.

A few days ago, I was in a frenzy - a cleaning frenzy. I had had enough. It's all gone. All the clutter is sorted, purged or put in its proper place. Finally, my stuff and space is respected. It's all clean now, in my bedroom and office at least - afterall these are the parts of the house that I can control.

This is how it was meant to be - always. I have found that if I am a mess on the inside, my outer world reflects the same. I assume the oppisite is true as well.

I feel relaxed and at ease most of the time now. I cannot wait for our first official cookout, even if it's only for the family. Or to take the kids to the park. There's this park I like to go to. It is the only park that is 100% wheelchair accessible. I can even go up ON the play equipment power chair and all.

The whole playground has a ground made with recycable tires and they have two playareas: one for big kids and one for little kids. They have a awesome educational Nature Center and even accessible hiking trials.

I take my nieces and nephews there all the time because it is where I can fully interact with them and they love it there. In fact, they have already asked me weeks ago, despite the snow, when am I going to take them there.

One day, Jake and will take our children there too. One day.