Monday, December 20, 2010

Embracing Truth

Yesterday, which only ended a few hours ago, was difficult.

I cried a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. In the middle of worship at church & everything. Body jerking, unstoppable crying. The kind that makes me want to run & hide type of crying. I stayed put though. Real progress for me, as I don't like feeling exposed or vulnerable around lots of people.

Here's the things though, it was real. It was the truth. And part of me believes, wholeheartedly, that if you can't get real & truthful in a church, maybe you aren't where you are supposed to be in the first place. Or maybe that isn't the right church for you.

Luckily, I was where I was supposed to be; hearing the message I was supossed to hear; surrounded by those who I was suppossed to be around. I love my church(es), both of them - for different reasons, but more about that later... that may a different post entirely.

So, for whatever reason, yesterday, I missed dad so much. And just don't know how I am to get through the holidays without him. I miss him so much at times, it hurts. Literally.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. I know well enough that asking someone who's in Heaven to come back, even if they could, would be like torture. Even if he could come back, he wouldn't want to do so.

And, likewise, I realize that with everything there is a season. Trust me when I say, he is in such a better place than here. Still, I can't deny the truth...

I am hurting. Struggling.

And part of me knows that's where I am suppose to be at the moment. This isn't supposed to feel good, it's supposed to hurt.

It hurts bc I loved him. And part of me doesn't know what to do without the first man who ever loved me not being on this earth anymore.

And whatever I am feeling, no matter how crappy it feels, no matter how gut-wrenching, heart-ripping, painfully raw this feels - it is okay to feel. It is okay to feel this.

It's okay to feel what I feel, in the moment. It's okay to embrace this grief, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Bc I shouldn't have to run. I shouldn't have to hide, especially from that which is true.
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Sunday, December 19, 2010

Saying Sundays: Shadows of Life

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.

~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

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Monday, December 13, 2010

Four Months Gone

Funny how time drifts on, even if we don't want it too.

I've been thinking lately how strange it feels to exists without my dad. There are days that I have to remind myself that he is gone.


This seems like a very odd thing for me to have to do, yet there are days when I have to remind myself several times. And others where it is painfully clear.

It seems like I should be doing something. Like going to a hospital to visit him, picking up food from the store, taking him Christmas shopping, or logging on to play The West with him.

Christmas time doesn't feel very Christmassy this year. I am amazed that it is cold bc somewhere in my brain, I am stuck back in August - unable to compute that my world has ticked on for an entire quarter of a year without him.

My phone is still too silent. I suspect it always will be. I wonder how others have coped & if they struggled to find their place again, like me.

Two AM & I am still awake. I am always awake now, never able to seem to get whatever it is I need. My doctor says this is what it is like to grieve for a parent. Or so he has heard. So vastly different than any other grief.

I should say so.

And will say so.

Four months. Gone.

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Friday, December 10, 2010

Uncharted Waters

My life these past few months has not been easy. Not that I want it to be easy; although I must admit, it would be nice to just be a little bit easier.

I have been avoiding posting to this blog for many reasons, some of which are known to me & others which are not. Quite truthfully, I have struggled with daily life, as much as I have struggled to find the words to express myself.

When things have been bad, & I mean really bad, I would focus on anything good to get me through. Whether it would be a smile, a hug, some kind words, a phone call, or even an unprompted text.

Believe it or not, I have not been depressed. Only grieving, which in itself is very different from depression. I should know - I have depression for nearly 20 years & have grieved for many along the way... too many to count.

However this grief is unlike any other. It's an entity of its own.

And that is as difficult for me to explain as it is for others to understand. Most of my friends have never lost a parent, so they can't comprehend. And honestly, part of me still wishes that I was still naive to such a world altering moment unlike any other I have ever known.

And for any of you who truly know me, know that I have had many of those along the way.

So, for now, I must say I am doing the best I can. Taking the day as it comes & sometimes even that is difficult to do, but that just has to be enough for now... as I forge on in uncharted waters.

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