Monday, December 20, 2010

Embracing Truth

Yesterday, which only ended a few hours ago, was difficult.

I cried a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. In the middle of worship at church & everything. Body jerking, unstoppable crying. The kind that makes me want to run & hide type of crying. I stayed put though. Real progress for me, as I don't like feeling exposed or vulnerable around lots of people.

Here's the things though, it was real. It was the truth. And part of me believes, wholeheartedly, that if you can't get real & truthful in a church, maybe you aren't where you are supposed to be in the first place. Or maybe that isn't the right church for you.

Luckily, I was where I was supposed to be; hearing the message I was supossed to hear; surrounded by those who I was suppossed to be around. I love my church(es), both of them - for different reasons, but more about that later... that may a different post entirely.

So, for whatever reason, yesterday, I missed dad so much. And just don't know how I am to get through the holidays without him. I miss him so much at times, it hurts. Literally.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. I know well enough that asking someone who's in Heaven to come back, even if they could, would be like torture. Even if he could come back, he wouldn't want to do so.

And, likewise, I realize that with everything there is a season. Trust me when I say, he is in such a better place than here. Still, I can't deny the truth...

I am hurting. Struggling.

And part of me knows that's where I am suppose to be at the moment. This isn't supposed to feel good, it's supposed to hurt.

It hurts bc I loved him. And part of me doesn't know what to do without the first man who ever loved me not being on this earth anymore.

And whatever I am feeling, no matter how crappy it feels, no matter how gut-wrenching, heart-ripping, painfully raw this feels - it is okay to feel. It is okay to feel this.

It's okay to feel what I feel, in the moment. It's okay to embrace this grief, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Bc I shouldn't have to run. I shouldn't have to hide, especially from that which is true.
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