Dear Mandy: Three Years Gone

Dear Mandy,

I went to sleep thinking of you & I woke up doing the same. I am still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that three years ago today, you left this world.  How does time do that?

I miss you so much.  My life is very different now.  I wish you were here.  I long to hear your voice & miss your friendship beyond words.

I miss a lot of my friendships actually, not just yours.  Strangely though, most of the friends I miss are still here.  In a way, it is a different grief, longing & sadness.  Grieving for something I know will never be the same.  The realization that some best friends, aren't meant to be best forever - no matter how many years you have known them.

Not us though.  There are times when I feel you around me, although I wish it was more.  God, I miss you.  I think of you at least once every day.  Still.  I miss getting together with you, playing the Wii, scrapbooking, watching movies... all of it.

I miss just being with you.  Being your friend was always so easy.  With you, I never had to try to figure out anything.  I could just be who I was, whatever I was going through - no matter what. I miss that.

I hate that I have lost interest in things I used to love. Photography, scrapbooking, blogging, cook outs. Just being with people.  This didn't happen overnight.  It never does.  And it didn't happen bc of you.

I lost myself & I'm trying to find me again. That sounds so cliché, but nonetheless it's true.  I now understand that life is a simple series of beginning & ends - of starts & finishes.  I understand that it's people that make life so complicated.

I understand that life is precious.  And we only get one shot at it.  Like it or not, we were put on this earth for one reason & one reason only - to love one another.  Thank you, My Mandy, for doing just that.  Thank you for loving me.

Love Forever,

Saying Sunday: Forever Friend

"Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being a part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end."

~ Unknown ~

Trusting Fully

I have trust issues. I am admitting it. Openly.

In the past, I've trusted people that were not worth trusting.  I've trusted people that have known for years upon years & they have hurt me in various ways. I've trusted people that I am supposed to be able to trust & they have abused that trust over & over.

Likewise, I've trusted those who have proven themselves trustworthy time & time again & somewhere deep inside I know I trust them, but I'm still waiting for it to be too good to be true. Still waiting for the bottom to fall & me to, once again, be in the familiar place that I'm so accustomed to be in.

This has made life difficult to say the least.  It has been difficult to trust people, whom I'm supposed to be able to trust, like my husband, Jacob for example, who time & time time again, proves that he is trustworthy.  And truthfully, he is the one person, I trust most in the world.

So unfair to others. So unfair to me.

I have been praying for years to be able to fully trust God, never really realizing until now that it was impossible for me to do. At least it was impossible for me to do on my own. 

It wasn't until in the early hours of Sunday morning that I had a huge light bulb moment.  So huge, in fact, I couldn't believe I didn't see it before.  How could I trust God when everything I learned about trust wasn't what God intended for trust to be? 

No wonder I'm having issues trusting Him.  Everything I know about trust, I learned through experience; I have learned through brokenness.

So I need Him to show me.  I need him to teach me what He intended trust to be & what true - unrestrained - trust is, so I pray for this.  And hopefully, while I'm learning his His mercy & grace are present too.

Forever Blessed

Sometime in the early morning, I will awake & know I'm only hours away from seeing her.  For the love of the good Lord above, I do not know how so much time has passed. Nine years or nearly that to be exact.

I am forever blessed bc Deanna has loved me for so many years.  Thinking back, she has loved me when I made it difficult to love me.  I think that of a lot of my friends whom I have known for so long, not just Dee.

Still. She loved me through the depression, through the tough stuff, through the unspeakable stuff, even when I pushed her away.  She assures me that our friendship was never one sided, but over the years, I have felt, & remembered back, that it was.  Or at least it felt that way.  To me, she has always given more to me than she has taken.  I feel blessed that she feels this is not true.

I will see her & meet two of her three precious kids, another visible reminder of truly how much time has passed.  And I can't wait.  Deep down, I wish - hope, really - that one day she will meet my kids too. God willing.

I am nervous, but I'm unsure why.  Maybe it's bc I am unable to hide from her. She can see right through me.  She always could.  And the truth is, I've been hiding a lot.  In the unwritten blog posts, from friends, still unable to speak abt certain things out loud.

I will be okay though. I know it.  I've had some set backs, but I've also had some breakthroughs. Thank God for breakthroughs... breakthroughs & friends who will stand with me through the tough stuff.

I am blessed.  Forever blessed.