Trusting Fully

I have trust issues. I am admitting it. Openly.

In the past, I've trusted people that were not worth trusting.  I've trusted people that have known for years upon years & they have hurt me in various ways. I've trusted people that I am supposed to be able to trust & they have abused that trust over & over.

Likewise, I've trusted those who have proven themselves trustworthy time & time again & somewhere deep inside I know I trust them, but I'm still waiting for it to be too good to be true. Still waiting for the bottom to fall & me to, once again, be in the familiar place that I'm so accustomed to be in.

This has made life difficult to say the least.  It has been difficult to trust people, whom I'm supposed to be able to trust, like my husband, Jacob for example, who time & time time again, proves that he is trustworthy.  And truthfully, he is the one person, I trust most in the world.

So unfair to others. So unfair to me.

I have been praying for years to be able to fully trust God, never really realizing until now that it was impossible for me to do. At least it was impossible for me to do on my own. 

It wasn't until in the early hours of Sunday morning that I had a huge light bulb moment.  So huge, in fact, I couldn't believe I didn't see it before.  How could I trust God when everything I learned about trust wasn't what God intended for trust to be? 

No wonder I'm having issues trusting Him.  Everything I know about trust, I learned through experience; I have learned through brokenness.

So I need Him to show me.  I need him to teach me what He intended trust to be & what true - unrestrained - trust is, so I pray for this.  And hopefully, while I'm learning his His mercy & grace are present too.