Strung Together

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted.  I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest.  In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now...  Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me.  It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming.  I just don't know when.  It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God...  God is good & He makes beautiful things.  He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me.  Greater plans than what I think my life should be.  He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration.  Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts?  I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me. 

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest.  Praying for understanding, peace & clarity.  Just knowing, trusting that my life  is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Love & Light

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

Saying Sunday: Sharing Keepsakes

"Keep all special thoughts and memories for lifetimes to come. Share these keepsakes with others to inspire hope and build from the past, which can bridge to the future."

~ Mattie Stepanek (1990-2004)

Saying Sundays: Sing It Again

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

~ Bernard Meltzer

Wordless Wednesday: Why I Love Him

Jake, Beachmont Christian Camp Cornmaze, 11.29.2011

Dear Deanna: Loving Me Still

Me & Deanna, Camp Greentop, 2000

My Dearest Dee,

As always thank you for your warm thoughts & needed prayers.  I'm doing alright.  Some days are better than others, but even through this, I can still see how truly blessed I am.

Our Christmas was emotional but very blessed. More emotional on my part than Jake's, but he has his own process too. We were lucky to have these amazing friends to spend Christmas Eve with which made the holiday easier in so many ways.

We also spent Christmas with Mom & our cousin Bobby & it was so nice to get to spend such a great evening with them.  We may not have much family to spend time with, but we are grateful for that time we spend with them, blood or not.

And honestly, that is how a holiday should be spent, surrounded with friends & family that love us.

I can feel movement in my grief, even since we spoke.  In so many ways, I am so very grateful for that.  I cannot deny that there is a freedom in speaking things outloud & something happens when a truth, especially one that needs to be said, is spoken.

Trust me, I am grateful for every word spoken, tear shed, & prayer uttered, bc I know that deep down it is where I am & it leads to healing. I'm so very thankful for friends like you, who I can be open & honest with, who let me say what I need to say when I need to say it. The ones who let me be where I am, & love me regardless of circomstance. It is what a true friend is & that is what matters most.



Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family.
~ Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

I wish you were here, Dee. There is still so much I want to say. Yet, there are still somethings I can't find the words...  I just keep thinking how incredably blessed I am, & how much my head is a mess.

I miss you. I miss your hugs.  And I miss how you always knew what to say or what I needed.  I know you can't fix this. No one can. And that's okay. You just always made me feel better.  Thank you so much for being there for me.  Reaching back when I reach out. Loving me without condition.  Loving me... still.

Love & Light Always,

Saying Sunday: Cheers To A New Year

"Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right."

 ~ Oprah Winfrey