Wordless Wednesday: Quiet Moments

Jake & Corrie, 4.11.2010

Burned Out

As I listen to my keystrokes on my keyboard, I think of how much I yearn to return back to writing. I despise the fact, that life & my grief effect me in ways of isolation at times. That often when I need it the most, I don't write. How ironic.

There is so much to say, so much to catch up on, but where do I begin? In the past couple of weeks, I must confess that there are several post that I started & was unable to finish. As of now, I don't know if they will ever be finished or if they will ever be seen by anyone, but me.

They do not contain secrets. There isn't anything that I'm avoiding. It's just been difficult to get my thoughts together. I so need to clear my head. Seriously. Sometimes, I need to get away. Not deal with people. Be by myself. Something, that is difficult to do around here. And definably difficult to do when you have to rely on others.

Sometimes, I wish things were different. That they were back like they used to be, when I wasn't in a wheelchair full time, & it was just plain easier to do things. Something needs to change.

All I really want to do is spend some one-on-one time with my family & friends - hands down those who I love the most. But I want it to be quality time. True authentic time together. Not so one sided. Nothing where I have to think to hard. If I have to do that, then it really isn't that great for me. I need a little give than I do take.

I have problems too. I can't always hear others. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that sometimes, I wish I could be open & honest with where I am, & how I feel. Mostly, the majority of people lately, end up unloading everything & me not getting a word in otherwise.

I am done. I am not only burned out, I'm on fire. I just wish others could see the flames from where they stand.

Changing Me

The days of this week are running together.

I want tomorrow to come & go away just like any ordinary day. And it not be the day Mandy died a year ago, but the day that she gained her wings & flew to Heaven. A day to remember her life, not her death.

I'm so tired of everything. I am exhausted. My patience is wearing thin. With everyone & everything. Funny, how grief will do that. Change everything around you, change you. Even when we don't want it too.

Love Never Dies

Dear Theresa,

I am not going say I understand. I have never lost a parent, just people that have meant the world to me. She fought a good battle these past few weeks. And I don't even know her, but she must have been an great person, bc you are phenomenal person yourself.

Sometimes, it is so hard to understand God's timing & plan.

Love never dies. It lives on, through you & the people whom you love, & just keeps effecting others in ways that we are not even aware. I wish I had the words to make the pain go away, but words like that do not exist.

Your so far away & I wish you were closer. I just want to give you a big, humongous hug. It won't make things better, but hopefully it will help just a little. You are incredably strong. It is who you are - who you've always been. I want you to know that you don't have to be strong all the time. No one expects you too. I have faith in you that you will let me know what you need from me & when you need it.

I am always here.

Love you.

Embracing Grief

I don't even know what to say, besides these days ahead are going to be tough. Jake & I are fine again, like I said, we don't fight often or stay mad for long. Good thing too... don't know how I would be able to face the upcoming days without him.

I am exhausted, having entered the automatic mode - surviving the only way I know how. Truthfully, part of me wants to skip this week all together. Then part of me wants to embrace my grief with full force. I think the ladder will win out.

I've been through this so many times with other loved ones, you would think grieving would be a breeze. I am here to tell you there is nothing easy about this.

I feel bad in some way that I haven't blogged much. Not even a Wordless Wednesday or a Saying Sunday. It's just that I've been finding it hard to get my thoughts together lately. And it's difficult to write when I'm having a hard time making sense of this & that.

There are so many cool things to blog about too. Post that will stay unwritten only for the simple fact that I feel that they should have their own time - or spotlight I guess you say - without being shadowed by something else.

Rest assured, I will make it through this. Mandy's one year anniversary of her death will have come & gone by the weekend. I will still rejoyce that she is in Heaven, but still miss her here.

Knowing that one never truly gets over a loss, but through it, I will do what I do best - taking it day by day, one step at a time. All the while giving thanks to a Father who aloud such a beautiful soul to be a part of my life for nearly 20 years.

Blogging Boldly: About Last Night

Dear Jacob,

I hate it when we fight. It is like something is not right in the universe. I hate the distance it puts between us. Especially when things have been going so great with us like it has recently. We don't fight often, but when we do it can get nasty. The good thing though is we don't stay mad for long.

Last night, we both said things we didn't mean. And acted in ways that was unbecoming of both of us. In reality, we both should treat each other a little nicer. I just get so irritated that I can asks for something to be done & it won't be done for months, yet your dad can ask you to do the same task for him & you make it a priority to do it for him, without a second thought.

I know you father says he has to wait for you to do things for him too, but it's not the same. Only days compared to my months. I guess I'm just wondering when your going to make me & our family a priority.

I know your frustrated & exhausted. I am too. You say I don't listen, yet I listen to every word. On the other hand, I'm not a mind reader. I don't know your thoughts unless you tell me them. And you shouldn't expect me to know things you haven't told me.

I am not prefect, by any means. And God knows I am not the prefect wife. If you asked me, I wouldn't even be able to tell you what a perfect one would look like. I just know it is not me. Likewise, I'm in no way asking you to be perfect either. Just better. I know I can do better too. We both can do better.

So, for what it's worth, I'm sorry.

Love you. Always.

For Now

It is rainy & dreary. Although there is much to share, I am too tired to do a blog post. It's one of those just let me crawl back in bed, pull the covers over me & shut out the world days, which is not a bad idea since I had such a bad night of unrestful sleep.

There are many things to catch you up on: T-Ball, Fencing, Mandy & Momma Dawne, Theresa & her mom, spending time with love ones, Jake & I spending time with each other... Daily life things.

All of which will remain unblogged. At least for now. My warm inviting bed is calling & I need to rest. Oh, how I need to rest.