Friday, December 23, 2011

Fall Into Place

I often wonder just how I'm going to get through this holiday. Then, I realize it's only a couple more days away.

The trees is up, but not trimmed. Someone can't find the legs that he brought down from upstairs. So it sits with just the pre-strung lights on it. Not all the Christmas shopping is done... And I seriously doubt it will get done at this point. 

Although we have never really sent out Christmas cards before, I attempted today. Only able to get some of them out. The rest will be late.  That is just how it is, people will just have to understand.

We are just overwhelmed.  I am overwhelmed.

I keep thinking, praying even, that things will come together.  They are & they're not.  Times tickin' on, whether I want it to or not.  This is so more than just Jake still not finding a job, or me still not having health insurence...

I keep waiting... waiting for things to feel like Christmas.  Then I realize, the feeling that I'm waiting for, the feeling that I want, just isn't going to come.

I'm waiting for it to feel normal again.  And normal, as I knew it, just doesn't exist anymore.  I'm longing for something that isn't there -- not anymore.

I miss my dad.  I miss other people, & "other things."  Secretly, I wonder if  there will ever come a time where I'm able to openly speak about what those "other things" are.  I wonder about whether they will ever be written about on here.

If I'm to be truthful, I miss blogging my thoughts & feelings on here -- remember it has always been for my benefit, but to say that I guard my heart more & share it less is an understatement.

I have best friends that I've known for over 20 years that don't know my heart.  I keep waiting for the words to come, & it's annoying & frustrating when they don't, but experience tells me not to force the words or the timing.

So I wait. For things to fall into place.  Or fall apart. One or the other. Or both.

It's funny how I'm waiting for things to come together & fall apart at the same time.  That's my life I guess... what it has become.

I've been in the midst of one of the toughest seasons I've lived through. Somehow, I'm making it through. 

I have to say, that through it all -- I have gotten by with a little (sometimes A LOT) of help from my family & friends.  Even if they didn't even realize it.

It's all in that encouraging word, that warm hug, that gentle nudge in the right direction, the being there without being asked... 

And I know that one day the words will come -- to more people, as I process more, embrace fully.  As life & time ticks on.  I know there's a true freedom that exsits in saying what needs to be achknownleged -- spoken outloud, but I must trust myself & have faith. 

I have faith the words will come, I have faith that the right job for our family will happen, I have faith that my health insurence will be reinstated.

Yes, I will walk by faith -- even when I cannot see.  Bc I'm just a girl who dreams big, wishes for normal, prays a lot & knows that one day things will fall into place when they are meant to do so.
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