Dear God

Dear God,

I am so unworthy of your perfect love. Help me remember that I am perfect just as you have made me & everything happens in your time. Help me be more patient. I want to shut out this world & focus on you & only you. For you are the only one who truly matters.

Help me get connected & stay connected - to you and others who you placed in my life. Thank you for putting friends & the perfect people in my life at the perfect time. Help me trust them. And trust that all things work for good.

I choose you. I want to feel you - always; not only in good times, but in bad. I know that you are ALWAYS with me no matter what I face. I cannot do this without you. I need you and only you.

Love Always, Your Child,

Wordless Wednesday: Jesse

Unplugged

Sometimes - just sometimes - I want to disappear. Not die, disappear. Don't get the two confused. I've been feeling that way a lot lately. I'm just done with a lot of things. I am burnt out & I need time away from it all. I want to unplug.

I cannot give you, or anyone else for that matter, what I don't have. And if that upsets you. I'm sorry. I truly am. Sometimes, the world isn't all about you.

I am stretched thin. Too much giving without enough getting. Too much not being heard. Everyone needs someone to listen. Do you really think I am that different? Too much existing not enough living.

Then there is Jake, the biggest one who does not get it. And before you ask, no we are not having problems in our marriage - No we do not want to break up. Yes, I'm still desperately in love with him. He is just unplugged.

I don't know where he's been these past couple of weeks, but I wish he would come back. It's like he is just going through the motions. Maybe he is spent too. Don't get me wrong - he's here. He's just not connected. I just need him to get reconnected. To plug in. To totally get it.

And he doesn't get it. Neither does his family. I am sick of giving everything to them & getting nothing in return. I wonder if God ever feels that way? I know I feel that way a lot. I'm so done with not getting appreciated. So done with not being acknowledged. So done with not being respected.

The thing is, the thing that no one gets - is I'm going through my own stuff. And I'm not really sure it's stuff I want to talk about or even know how to begin talking about right at the moment. So, yes - I want to unplug. I want to disappear. Just for a little while. Just so I can find me - & my normal - again.

Not Me Monday: Praying for Stellan

This was supposed to be another Not Me! Monday post; however it is now:

It seems so fitting since Stellan & his charming family need our prayers, and his mom is the one who started Not Me Monday to begin with. I've been following Mckmama's updates on her blog, but the better way to get updated with the latest news is to follow her on twitter, which of course I'm doing.

My heart just breaks for Stellan. From what I can gather he is in heart failure and his kidney's are failing as well. But there is hope. There has to be. They are making plans to air lift him to Boston. I do not know what they are going to do with him there but, logic tells me they would not have moving him as a option if there was not some POSITIVE reason to do so.

I pray that Stellan's heart finds a normal beat again. I pray that Mckmama and the family get the answers, comfort, rest, & whatever else they need at this moment. I pray that the doctors & nurses have the wisdom to find the treatments and solutions they need to get Stellan and his family through this.

I also pray that those same people believe in prayer and miracles too, bc I know I believe.

Praying for Stellan

This sweet little boy is named Stellan. His I read his mom's blog, which you can find here. I do not know MckMama personally, but have come to care about her and her family, especially Stellan in the past couple of months, through the words she she shares with thousands of us. If you have not read her blog, I encourage you to do so. She has many talents (photography to name one - just look at that beautiful picture she took) & her gift for writing is another one of many.

All the talent she has, whatever gifts she possesses she still cannot heal Stellan. No one on earth can. Stellen has a heart condition called SVT. McMama can do a much better job at explaining Stellan & his medical condition than I can.

Right now, he is at the family's local hospital & in the PICU. Things are not looking good. They cannot get his heart at a normal level & his heartbeat has been pretty much at high levels (at one point I know it was at 224 per minute) for the last couple of days and the doctors seem out of options, for the night at least. Everything they have thrown at this little boy has failed - medicine, procedure, ect. I know for a fact, that his BP was 57/32 & they may have to vent him.

I'm asking that you pray for this sweet little boy & his wonderful family. I do not know what God has planned for Stellan, but I know he has touched the lives of thousands already. And I also know that with God, all things are possible.

Honest Scrap Award

Today, I became aware that I received this award On July 21, from Marcelle at Making Babies. How cool is that? My first award! Keeping with the requirements to receiving the award. Here are 10 things most people do not about me:

1. I want to be a mom, more than most can imagine.

2. I hate it when I can't get stuff from the kitchen frig or anywhere else for that matter. I think BOTH Jake & his dad should have to spend a solid week in a wheelchair. Then, maybe things would change around here and actually STAY changed (not just for a week or two).

3. I have no tattoos. But I've seriously considered getting one since Mandy has passed.

4. I think about people, friends and family, that I loss touch with or who are not as present in my life (or me in theirs), for whatever reason, everyday. Sometimes, several times a day.

5. I love my church. We travel about an hour (one way) to it every Sunday. I love the people, and I love the community. They are very open, excepting, contemporary, and accessible - in more ways than the physical sense of the word. We have looked at several churches to try to find one closer, without luck. Not bc we want to leave our church, but it would be nice to have one closer so I can get to it when Jake cannot take me. Like when he had that other position at work for a year and was required to work on Sundays.

6. I have many issues with certain things (like trust), but I will tell you what they are and fully admit and acknowledged them.

7. I am a very private person, especially lately. People confuse me being outgoing with being open. Their are many things my best friends don't even know. Even some that no one knows.

8. I will talk about or share my past with just about anyone, if there is a reason to do so. Even if it makes me uncomfortable. I truly believe you have to share your story in order to respect it.

9. I often get annoyed at people. And please note, this is NOT to anyone specific, but EVERYONE. So, if you just happen to be reading this and think is about you, you are WRONG. It is not. Everyone, means everyone. My biggest annoyance is if you want me to know something, tell me. I gave up my mind reading skills a long time ago. Many people rely on many things to communicate things. Be direct. Do not rely on text, or e-mail or other people to tell me things, especially if I don't respond back. Call me (I secretly hate e-mail). BE DIRECT. In addition, there are many who get mad when I don't respond to whatever or however they want. I'm sorry. I cannot be who you want me to be. I can only be me.

10. I wish people would stop asking me, hinting at, referring to me having a baby, putting pressure on me, ect.. about having a child or trying to have a child. God has the ultimate plan, and if it is meant to happen it will - in HIS time, not mine or anyone else's for that matter. Frustrating, I know. But very true.

I am passing this award to 2 people: Stacey at Musings of A Passionate Mind. Who hasn't blogged in forever, but is always honest when she does. And El at Profoundly Seth. Who shares not only the good parts in life, but the not-so-good parts also, with a difficult honesty that I secretly admire.

My (Not-So-Great) Birthday

Yesterday, was my 33rd Birthday. Even though I've tried to remain up beat and positive, determined to have a great birthday, I have failed at this. It was exactly three months since Mandy left us. As much as I tried to not miss her, the more my heart ached. Birthdays were HUGE to Mandy. I miss her more every day. At times, every minute.

As great as Jake can be, he really can be a be a jerk. No "Happy Birthday!" No card. No excuse good enough. We were even at Hallmark the night before. The "Well, why didn't you tell me to get you a card?" - your comment makes me want to vomit! Really? Seriously? How appalling! You are a jerk!

The same goes for my Father-In-Law, whom we live with. They KNEW it was my birthday, they did not forget.

All that I do for this family, this is inexcusable. I don't care if we have no money. You can get me a card. You can utter two words. You certainly found the words for the excuses. I give of myself so much. I make sure your birthday is recognized. I get you gifts. Some of which you don't deserve, but I do it anyway. It is not about the gifts though, it is not about the money, it is about the appreciation. The appreciation that I never get.