Good & Beautiful God

For about a year now, actually exactly a little over a year ago (September 19, 2010), I started attending a different church (GFC) from the one (CRCC) that Jake & I have grown to care & love for since 2003. For almost the whole year now, we have been double attending both churches, attending GFC on their Saturday evening services & attending CRCC on Sunday mornings. Both churches are far away from where we live, just in opposite directions, but GFC is closer & easier for us to get to, making it easier for us to be involved in.
After dad died, I needed a change. At the time, CRCC was talking about serving & Genesis. And honestly, my head, at the time,just wasn't at serving or weeks later, at "the beginning". I was numb, in shock, at "the end" of the dad's life, in the deep darkness of the beginning of grief.

Now, at CRCC, we have deep loving relationships. Very supportive & loving relationships, but at the time, I needed so, oh so, much more. I was tired. I was exhausted physically emotionally & mentally. I was tired of feeling loved & cared for & getting all this support on Sunday, but nothing during the middle of the week. Don't get me wrong... I had friends & a very brave few stood by me through it all, but I needed more.

So with nervousness & a somewhat heavy heart, we ventured to GFC for the first time. And even though I truly felt like I was cheating on the church that I loved so dearly, we reluctantly went to GFC for the first time. Without doubt, I was overwhelmed. CRCC only has a couple hundred people on any given Sunday, GFC a few THOUSAND. Yes, it is definitely, a mega church; however, this is part of the message I heard that day:

'Here's what I know: We are all in different places. Maybe you are in the midst of a really difficult place saying, 'God, where are you? Where are you in all of this?' And you know what He says? He says 'I am here. I have overcome the world. I desire to give you peace, & wholeness & healing. Lean into my goodness; And you may have to endure difficulty, but I am with you. I will never forsake you & I am good.' 

Pastor Danny O’Brien
Sermon:God Is Good

Series: A Good & Beautiful God

September 19, 2010

And I never left. I never left, but the truth is I was feeling discontent at CRCC before dad died. I've even wrote about that discontentment on here before. I don't know if I could ever officially leave either church now bc I love them both, just for different reasons.

And here is what I know - my God, the God that I know & love, is without question the most loving & giving God that I have ever known. Through out this year, my world has been shattered & I have been brought to my knees, only to make me rebuild it again, different than before.

He has put people in my life, who have loved & cared for me, even when I was not able to love & care for myself. I am lucky to be connected with two incredible churches. The people that are in my life now, & whom are supportive, love us no matter the circumstance. This still surprises me each time it happens.

However, when it does happen - I am reminded that My God is a good & beautiful God & I'm forever loved by Him.  Something we all need to be reminded of from time to time.

Update: Daisy

Daisy is well. She made it through the surgery with flying colors. The vet said she is just doing absolutely beautiful. We have to return in a couple of days to get her bandage off then she remains on restriction for two weeks  more until the staples come out.

I was ecstatic to hear that she did so well; now, I'm just praying that she heals nicely & that the infection that remains leaves quickly, now that the source of the infection is gone.  The most difficult part of this all, is watching her be kenneled all the time & not able to have her understand that it for her well being.  She just doesn't understand this all & I think that she thinks she is being punished.

We are managing her pain & she does not seem to be in a lot, but we've been really good about being constant with it, so that she is a comfortable as possible.  She has more anxiety than anything, but she seems to remain calm the most when Pop is around her.

I'm so glad that after she is healed, she won't be in pain anymore & can be happy & healthy again.  I wonder if she knows how much we love her & what a big part of our family she is & always has been. 

Daisy In Prayer

Daisy, my FIL's 13 year old dachshund, is in surgery just about now. A risky surgery, but a very much a needed one. I'll spare you the details, only that it has to do with removal of numerous tumors & a badly infected uterus with a very long & over do spay.

Everything about this sucks. The risk suck. I'm scared. She is such a sweet dog, who is very loved. We all love her.

Daisy was Jake's mom's dog. Well loved & well taken care of by her. Ms. Barbara died in April 2000 & completely changed this whole family, even Daisy - who very much was grieving too. She stopped eating & became super protective of her family very much. So much in fact that in the summer of 2003 when I started dating Jake, Daisy still only ate dog snacks - no food, just snacks

There is no doubt that Pop loves her. I also think Pop likes to avoid certain things & is in denial about other things. Other things like Daisy's health. He loves her, no doubt, but I think if he doesn't take her to the vet, the vet can't tell him bad news. News that he just doesn't want to hear.

So here we are - hoping & praying for the best in a difficult surgery that is complicated by Daisy's age. God, I love her so. She is such a great part of this family & Pee Wee loves her.

I must admit, that part of me has had to distance myself, not from daisy but from the situation, out of pure frustration at times. She is not our dog, but his. And he has made that clear. I wish I had the money to completely care for her, but I don't & that brakes my heart.

I love our vets (it's a family practice), & have much confidence in their abilities. I have faith & have said lots of prayers. And as for the rest, well, the rest, is not up to me.

"A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble."

~ Charles H. Spurgeon

It's Been Awhile

It's been months since I have written & I know it. The truth is within those months of absence, I have written hundreds of entries in my head. They just never made it here.

Sometimes, I wish they did.

Life has been tough. A lot of stuff going on... mostly emotional stuff that is taking it's toll on me. I won't bore you with details. Partly, bc it has just been so much & to try to write about it all at once is well, slightly overwhelming. And mostly bc I don't want this blog to be a downer for either you or me. Okay, so it might mostly be for my benefit. But still.

I never wanted this blog to be all about losing Mandy or losing Dad, but it seems that in large part that what it had become. Especially, Dad. This last year has been so difficult. It's like I lost not only him, but myself too. In a lot of ways, even now a year later, I'm trying to reclaim parts of me that don't seem to be connected.

As for Jake & I, we are doing well, despite the fact that he lost his job a few weeks ago. He was laid off along with many other people. I just hope & pray that his job search yields some results soon.

I miss a lot of my friends. Mostly, I just miss them being around. Or me being around them. Either way - schedules don't ever seem to line up & weeks go by & those weeks turn into months & so on. Life always seems to get in the way of the really important stuff. The stuff that doesn't cost money, but it cost time.

There never seems to be enough time. I hope, along with other things, that changes soon. Until then, I'm going to remember that in the darkest of times there still remains light.

Saying Sundays: Easter 2011

"The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances."

~Robert Flatt

Mandy: Two Years Gone

Dear Mandy,

Oh, how it seems strange to fathom that so much time has passed. How in the world could it be 2 years already? So surreal.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you & miss you. You are, & always will be, a part of me. Oh, how I wish I could see what you see & know what you know, bc without doubt, it's got to be something.


This year has been unbelievably tough for me for many reasons & it has made me miss you even more. This year has taught me that friends like you are few & far between. And our friendship was undoubtedly something rare that I will always cherish.

God, I miss you so. You have no idea. Or maybe you do, I don't know. I still can't believe you are not here. More often than not, there are days when I walk around dumb founded trying to figure out what is a miss. Then I remember.

It's you. You are what's missing.

I didn't think it was possible to miss you more than I already did, then dad died & everything fell apart bc it started with dad, but didn't end there.

Life is funny that way.

It's so ironic that you have to loose what's important to you to find what's important to you. Even more ironic is that when you lose you find out who matters &, more importantly, who you matter to.

You always mattered. You still do. That will never change. Either will my love for you or my undying gratefulness for you & your friendship in my life.

Such a blessing. A beautiful, beautiful blessing.

Love & Light Forever,