Friday, October 1, 2010

Little Girl Longing

It is raining. Almost 1 AM here. The rain has been non-stop & there are flood warnings statewide.

The pain I feel is non-stop, physically at least.

Sometimes I am still numb from shock - losing too much to fast, but it is wearing off slowly. And when it does, that pain too is non-stop.

It is like I'm walking around wounded, but no one knows it but me. There are open wounds & they are deep.

There are times when I have to remind myself that Dad is gone, never again to return. I remember when I was 5 & he took the boys & leaving me behind with mom. Here I was this little girl confused, disoriented & deeply hurt, who wanted nothing but her Daddy to come back.

This is no different.

There are things I wish I would have said. Things I wish I was brave enough to say. Things that he may or may not have known - nonetheless - things that I needed to say.

Still now, I cannot say them, not yet. It is just too much. The tears flow slowly, more freely now. I wish it wasn't so late. I would call someone I really would.

I am so tired. So very tired. And hurt. So hurt. I miss my Dad. I want to hear his voice. I want him to hold me. I don't want him to be gone. I am so not ready for him to be gone. In many ways, I'm still that little girl - who was left behind, wanting nothing more then her Daddy to come back.
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