My Heart Aches

My mind is racing. I so want it to stop. You think I would be used to this by now. I just can't bare having to let go of another loved one. Cancer sucks. I wish I knew what to do to make it better, make it go away.

But on the other hand, she is not gone yet. She is still living. I wonder if I will get to tell her everything I have always wanted to say. Knowing that when I looked back, years from now, even if I got that chance, I will have still wanted to say more. That's how it always is.

My mom is heartbroken. I don't blame her. Aunt Elaine has been her friend for so long. It is hard to hear her cry. I can relate to her on so many levels - having loss so much. Having loss so many & grieved more times than I care to count.

If you know me, or have read my blog for any amount time, you know that I always try to see the positive in things. You know that I know God has a plan. You know I know that he uses everything - both good & bad, & makes it for His good. I still know all those things, but it does not make me feel better today.

I wish I could tell others that I'm allowed to have a bad day or days, as the case may be - I'm allowed to feel bad - & still believe those things. Just bc I feel bad right at the moment does not, in any way, shape or form, mean that I don't believe in His Plan. Believing in Him, knowing that he is in control, does not mean that I cannot feel emotion. He created me, & I am human after all.