Easier Said Than Done

As I sit her & type this post, Lisa, our two year old niece, is asleep in our bed.

I don't talk about my deep desire to be a mom much. If you knew me in real life, you would know that people say that I would be a great mom & that I love being around children. One friend even told me once that my soul lights up when I'm around them.

I don't know how 'great' I would really be, but I can tell you that I've wanted to be a mom since I was very young. And now that I've been married for going on 5 years, I'm here to tell you - I just don't know if God has that in the plan for me.

Sometimes, when you want something so bad for so long, you think you are never going to get it. I think that's what's going on here, but then again, maybe not. It is His plan, not mine. And if it's one thing I've learned, it's never to confuse my plan with His. My plans are flawed, His are not. I think I know what's best for me, He does know what's best for me.

With that being said, I'm frustrated. Most of my friends have children. Children that, if I'm lucky, they allow me to love. And I can't put a price on that. Ever. I will forever be Aunt Shannon, no matter if I have children of my own or not. It is a job & role that I love.

However, I can't deny wanting something more. Deeper. There is a void in my life. An emptiness that longs to be filled. And at the moment I am doubtful that it will ever be filled by becoming a mother.

And on top of it all, there is some things in my past that I've put behind me, or tried to at least, that I need to come to peace with as well. So, on the off chance that being a mom is not in the plans, I can at least live my life more peacefully.

In the end, everything will be how it is supposed to be. It may not be how I would like it to be, but it's still my life & I have to live it - regardless if I'm a mom or not. The problem is that right now living life without something I want so badly & deeply desire is easier said than done.