God's Mercy

Dear So & So,

Remember when you said, "God in His gracious mercy allows us to "fall apart" emotionally when some how it is safe to do so and somewhere inside knows it is time and we are ready. So even though it hurts, it is really a good thing - it means an opportunity to find freedom for baggage we have been carrying around for a long time"? I just wanted to tell you that I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

However, just bc I agree does not mean I "do" falling apart well. I am an amazingly strong person. Very few people get to see me fall apart, & that is okay. What I told you before is true, sooner or later, one must stop being a victim & be the survivor. I chose the ladder; however many do not.

Even though I am a survivor, there is no denying that my past still effects me on a daily basis. I do not live in denial, or as I like to call it - Don't Even kNow I Am Lying. God has done amazing things in me and continues to do so, even as I face difficult times, at the moment.

I am facing tremendous struggles at home at the moment, which has caused me to have to let go of certain things, which has truly been emotionally draining, and in one instance, devastating.

And to add to all the changes I am facing, Mandy's birthday is tomorrow. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her. I know that I will see her again someday, and I am truly happy that she's in heaven; however, that does not mean I miss her any less (This is nothing new to me or the regular readers of my blog, but I cannot change my feelings or thoughts about the matter).

Maybe it's just me but I don't see her as a loss, but a blessing. I was and am truly blessed for knowing her, loving her & having nearly 20 years of friendship with her. I have a choice - I can choose to dwell on the loss or I can chose to embrace the beautiful friendship God gave me no matter how long it lasted.

So, yes, God's Mercy is gracious, indeed.

Blessings,

Frustration

That's what I have. Frustration. Lots of it.

Last night I attended a support group for physically disabled adults, which is so new it doesn't even have a name yet. Last nights topic: budget cuts. The easiest way to explain this is there are two programs:

DDA: Provides long term support services for the disabled. The waiting list is forever long (some wait 5 years or better) & priority is based on need. I'm on the crisis resolution list, which are the people who are next on the list to get services. I've been actively waiting for services for 3 years now.

Rolling Access: Provides short term support to people while they are waiting to get DDA. Services not to exceed $3000 in a fiscal year & consider your self lucky if you get the full amount.

Things RA money has gotten me:

Someone to come in, knock down & reconstruct walls in my house, so that I can better access my bedroom with the wheelchair I'm sitting in - which is nothing like the one I had before it.

A grab bar so I can have better assistance in the bathroom, which allows me to get in a out of the shower independently & safely. Something I had to depend on someone else for until I got the bar.

An automatic door opener for the front door. This allows me to freely open and close the door independently & easily. This allows me to get out of my house swiftly in an emergency, & do other things (that people take for granted) like get the mail, walk the dog, go out on the porch & read, go to the van. You get the picture - it basically allows me access in & out of the house whenever I want. Another example of the services that other people who have the money do is they may choose to use it on respite care, like having aides come to the house or go to summer camp.

What's next on the list of things to get done for me? A door opener for the back door. These are not big things, but they are life changing. And they ARE big to me. They are not only big, they're HUGE.

My frustration? Budget cuts. Big changes. Changes that don't effect long term support people (who get a 2% decrease) in they're budget, at least not YET. Example: Someone that gets $10,000 a yr will be reduced only $200. While short term people (like Me) get NO MORE support. In less you count the ONE time in a LIFETIME support, not to exceed $3000. That means if you got a $250 grab bar, sorry about your luck.

Oh, and that waiting list - yeah, sorry about your luck on that too. We're not excepting new people this year.

These effects (plus other changes that re complicated & I won't go into for the sake of this blog & my sanity) take place Nov. 1st, only a few short weeks from now, which may allow me to get a door opener for the back door. The question still remains if that will be my lifetime assistance. I have no clue.

So, sorry this is long, but I had a lot to say. As I go about my day, I'll remember to breathe & try not to let frustration get the best of me. And I hope that as you go about your day, you don't take the slightest thing for granted.

On The Verge

Again, I find myself on the verge of change. Don't they say that nothing is constant but change? If they don't, they should. Whoever "they" is anyway.

On Monday nights, I take a class at my church on learning a very specific counseling technique based on prayer & living in the truth. It's difficult to explain in general, but I would be willing to talk to you about it if it intrigues you or if you desire to know more about it. Just e-mail me: you can find my email on the right side of the page.

I digress - bc of taking this class, I have a lot of old stuff stirred up, stuff that I believed that was done & dealt with. Although it will not be forced, I have opportunity to get counseling myself. The thing is that (eventually) it would require my to go to some VERY dark places; places that I would rather not be talked about.

Truthfully, it's not talking about them that bothers me, but I know that in order for this technique to work, I have to face raw, intense emotion that will be intensified to say the least. However, when it's over, I'll have a peace that I've never known. A true healing.

How do I know? Bc I know people that have done it & are better for it. I know that I eventually will do it, but I am scared. Scared of what? I don't know exactly. I've been having trouble naming what it is exactly. Maybe I'm scared of the unknown.

There is no doubt in my mind that God has brought me to this place on purpose. This is where I need to be. Now, I just have to be brave enough to take the plunge. I think I'll pray for the courage in the meantime.

Embracing Crazy

As I sit here, I have know idea what to write, but what I am certain of is that I need to write & that's all that matters.

Everything has been crazy here, not necessarily in a bad way, just crazy. It's been that way for days now, even weeks. Jake got a promotion at work, which is a blessing (no doubt); however it has lead us to a path of uncertainty financially. I will spare you the details, but it is complicated to say the least.

The unknown is always feared, however I have always tried to face it willingly & head on - always keeping the Faith. Noticed I said tried. I am not always a 100% successful at that, but if I was, I suppose I wouldn't be human.

In addition, Jake's brother & his wife (that live across the alley), have been having some personal family issues (that I will not be going into, except to say it is not marital) that have cause the whole family (us included) to be unsettled.

Meanwhile, I am still missing Mandy, & am well aware that her first birthday in Heaven is approaching at the end of the month. I am comforted by the fact that I will one day be reunited with her, but it does not make me miss her any less or not think of her several times a day - still.

There is a reason for it all. I may not know the reason, but I know there is one. And as much as I know that God has the Ultimate Plan, trusting in that plan is sometimes very difficult. The waiting & the wondering is also difficult; however, no one said it would be easy, & again I remember this.

So if I have to right now, I'll take it one day at a time, one hour, one minute, if need be. Embracing the craziness all the way.

Just Around The Corner

It is cold & damp here. Summer is gone & fall has arrived. It's been raining on & off & on again for what seems like weeks. As always with me, accompanying the rain is pain. It's one of the perks of having CP. Yipee.

I hate complaining - really; however the pain (and lack of periods of relief) complicates even the smallest efforts (like say for example trying to stay positive) more difficult.

I - we - missed church once again. This time bc of my pain. While I don't believe one has to attend church to have a relationship with God, there is no denying that attending church fills a need in me - a need for fellowship. I crave the connection, especially now.

Being honest, these last couple of weeks have been difficult. I have been going through some things & have been more to myself then usual. Things I do not wish to go into at the moment.

Sometimes, I feel like I only get by on a wing & a prayer. Treading water so I don't drown. History has taught me that when I feel like this, hang in there, bc relief has to be just around the corner.

Humpty Dumpty

Life is crazy. Time passes on. I have neglected my blog once again. Sorry. Really, I should be apologizing to myself. For I am also neglecting me too.

I have always been that way. I am the one who is always helping others, picking them up, holding the peices for them, in some cases - putting them back together. Playing the game of Humpty Dumpty.

The truth is - as it always has been - it is hard for me to let people be there for me, to ask for help or just be selfish & put me first. No doubt it is difficult for me to trust others. I feel like I'm a fireman firewoman, putting out fires as I see them appear. Waiting for the next one to ignite.

I cannot save & protect everyone. I know this. For I am not, nor will I ever be, a Savior.

I have been trying to work on my breathing for the last day or so. I think it is important for me to remember how to breath. Truly. Think about it... When is the last time you took a deep breath & actually felt your lungs expand? Yes, breathing is a good thing.

The point is, everyone has things going on. I am no different. It is okay for me to say, "No, I am sorry I cannot help you right now" & the world won't end. Somewhere in my head I know this is the truth. Now, the challenge is getting the rest of me to believe it.

Stepping Back

It's after 3 AM & I can't sleep. Two days ago, Dad had another visit to the the ER with rapid heartbeat & feeling like he was going to pass out. The good news is his defibrillator, actually doing its job, shocked him into normal rhythm, so they only kept him for a couple of hours & told him to follow up with his doctor.

Apparently,this rythem, wasn't as tricky as this one, only a few short weeks ago. Remember? I am so glad that he is feeling better but I wish that the doctors would figure out what would work best for him, so that he could feel better for longer periods of time. Whether it would be more testing, oxegen at home, a medication adjustment, ect.

Again, I'm trying to keep faith that everything will turn out like it's supposed to be & taking it one day at a time. I have found that's what works best for me. When I am at a lost for what to do, how to make things better, I try to take a step back & see the bigger picture, which sometimes is not easy to do.

So, this is me, breathing in, stepping back, with my eyes wide open...