Confessions of a Resilient Survivor

Strung Together

2012-01-19T06:14:00.000-05:00

It's well past 4 AM & I haven't slept. I hate nights like this. I am beyond exhausted. I've had a few nights like these strung together back to back & let me say they are not fun.

I've just have had to much on my mind & for whatever reason, it is hard for me to rest. In fact, just earlier this week I wrote this, the beginning of an unfinished, unpublished post:

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."

~ Psalm 4:8

I hate the nights the most.

Last night, I couldn't sleep - finally giving into exhaustion around 5:30 AM this morning. I was so thankful for sleep. Unable to shut my thoughts off, I was praying for rest. Soulful rest. So very thankful for answered prayers.

Since the new year, I've been having good days, & again, I am thankful for them. Still my soul needs rest. When I look back at this season of life I'm in, I am thankful to be where I am today. I have a husband who loves me, a mom who loves & supports me, a father-in-law who does the same. And really great friends.'

All of this is very true - still now days later. The only difference is I have not slept tonight at all & I'm doubtful if sleep is to come. As I write this it is past 5 AM now... Really it is hard to put in to words what's bothering me. It is many things.

I am very grateful for all blessings I have & they are many. I am grateful for movement in my grief, & the good days that I have, whether they are few & far between or (thankfully) strung together much like these sleepless nights have been.

I still pray for rest, & somewhere deep inside, I know it's coming. I just don't know when. It very much mirrors how I have been feeling & what I have been thinking about faith & God... God is good & He makes beautiful things. He wants to give me my deepest desires - for He knows my heart, without me uttering one word.

He has great plans for me. Greater plans than what I think my life should be. He is patient & is with me in these difficult sleepless nights, amoung the the tears & frustration. Secretly, I wonder if I saw the bigger picture - the whole picture of my life - would it change how I feel about things or my thoughts? I truly cannot answer that.

I can say this though: all my trials, tribulations, lessons & blessings have made me who I am today & if it were all different - all strung together differently - I wouldn't be living the life God has planned for me.

So yes, I'm praying for rest - soulful rest. Praying for understanding, peace & clarity. Just knowing, trusting that my life is woven together with His story & it is more beautiful than I could ever imagine.

Love & Light

2012-01-16T17:11:00.000-05:00

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.

Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

~ Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 – 1968)

Saying Sunday: Sharing Keepsakes

2012-01-15T09:02:00.001-05:00

"Keep all special thoughts and memories for lifetimes to come. Share these keepsakes with others to inspire hope and build from the past, which can bridge to the future."

~ Mattie Stepanek (1990-2004)

Saying Sundays: Sing It Again

2012-01-08T09:02:00.000-05:00

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

~ Bernard Meltzer

Wordless Wednesday: Why I Love Him

2012-01-04T01:31:00.003-05:00

Jake, Beachmont Christian Camp Cornmaze, 11.29.2011

Dear Deanna: Loving Me Still

2012-01-03T23:02:00.000-05:00

Me & Deanna, Camp Greentop, 2000

My Dearest Dee,

As always thank you for your warm thoughts & needed prayers. I'm doing alright. Some days are better than others, but even through this, I can still see how truly blessed I am.

Our Christmas was emotional but very blessed. More emotional on my part than Jake's, but he has his own process too. We were lucky to have these amazing friends to spend Christmas Eve with which made the holiday easier in so many ways.

We also spent Christmas with Mom & our cousin Bobby & it was so nice to get to spend such a great evening with them. We may not have much family to spend time with, but we are grateful for that time we spend with them, blood or not.

And honestly, that is how a holiday should be spent, surrounded with friends & family that love us.

I can feel movement in my grief, even since we spoke. In so many ways, I am so very grateful for that. I cannot deny that there is a freedom in speaking things outloud & something happens when a truth, especially one that needs to be said, is spoken.

Trust me, I am grateful for every word spoken, tear shed, & prayer uttered, bc I know that deep down it is where I am & it leads to healing. I'm so very thankful for friends like you, who I can be open & honest with, who let me say what I need to say when I need to say it. The ones who let me be where I am, & love me regardless of circomstance. It is what a true friend is & that is what matters most.

Friends come and friends go,
but a true friend sticks by you like family.
~ Proverbs 18:24 (The Message)

I wish you were here, Dee. There is still so much I want to say. Yet, there are still somethings I can't find the words... I just keep thinking how incredably blessed I am, & how much my head is a mess.

I miss you. I miss your hugs. And I miss how you always knew what to say or what I needed. I know you can't fix this. No one can. And that's okay. You just always made me feel better. Thank you so much for being there for me. Reaching back when I reach out. Loving me without condition. Loving me... still.

Love & Light Always,

Saying Sunday: Cheers To A New Year

2012-01-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

"Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right."

~ Oprah Winfrey

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers

2011-12-29T04:05:00.000-05:00

"Hope” is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the Gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chilliest land
And on the strangest Sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

~ Emily Dickinson (1830 - 1886)
In this season of life that I find myself in, I am learning a lot about hope. What it feels like to live without it, & what it feels like to have it.

Sometimes, even in the darkest of times, I thank God that I have hope that things will get better, even if that hope is very small at times. Sometimes, in the moments when it is small, I like to think it is like a smoldering fire - still there, not completely gone.

Waiting. Waiting for oxygen. Waiting to come alive again.

I miss when life used to be simple. When best friends & parents didn't die. When friends were still in your life, regardless of the circumstances. When starting a family seemed not only obtainable, but realistic.

I do not know how I got out of blogging, something I have always loved. Or why I shied away from sharing my heart openly, something I so desperately want to do. All I know is my life is different now.

And everything fell apart. And I lost me. I stopped everything I enjoyed so that I could survive. Clinging to my faith & clinging to hope where I found it.

I do not know what's in the future for me. All I know is what I have been through & where I have been. And right now, I hold out for hope. And I pray that it remains alive & perched within my soul.

Reflections of Christmas 2011

2011-12-28T20:54:00.001-05:00

For to us a child is born,
to us a son is given,
and the government will be on His shoulders.
And He will be called
Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. ~ Isaiah 9:6 (NIV)
Every once in a while, something will happen that is extraordinary, even among the ordinary moments.

This Christmas we were extraordinarily blessed. We were blessed in many ways, & many of those ways were not tangible. And sometimes, the greatest gifts in life cannot be held.

Meaning has not been lost on me that a tiny child was sent to earth so that I can be saved, & live forever. Likewise, I realize that God, the same God who loves us enough to give us His one & only son, is a Loving Father, who has shown me His mercy & His grace in the simplest of ways.

There is something about where I am in life, that makes me want to see & appreciate the little simple things in life. And deep down, I'm so very thankful for the smallest of things.

Whether it is a friend holding my hand through a grief service, or another amazingly dear friend doing the same during a Christmas Eve service. Sometimes, when things are difficult, all I really want - all I really need - is a loving hand to hold, bc sometimes it is all anyone can do.

I am still searching for normal. Unsure if I will ever find it again. And bc I have no other choice, that will have to be okay. I have to create my normal again, whatever that may look like. It is up to me.

I am blessed that I have friends & family who love me, who love & care for not only me but us. I am lucky that I have a husband who loves me. And would literally do anything for me. Do you know what a blessing that is?

Me & Jake, Very Early Christmas Morning, 2011

This Christmas, I tried to stay focus on the little things, so it wouldn't make the big things, or the people I'm missing, or the one's for whom I am grieving, hurt so much. I've tried hard to honor where I am. To feel what I need to feel, rather than to deny it.

And I am glad to apreciate the smallest of things, noticing the extrordinary, amoung the ordinary.

Happy Birthday, Jesus (2011)

2011-12-25T10:52:00.001-05:00

In a moment of peaceful reflection last night, I heard this song for the first time. Given my season of life I am in, this song & it's meaning(s) & impact are not lost on me. May we all feel the Breath of Heaven & be filled with an undeniable peace now & always.

Please have a very Merry Christmas & a blessed New Year.

Fall Into Place

2011-12-23T01:43:00.000-05:00

I often wonder just how I'm going to get through this holiday. Then, I realize it's only a couple more days away.

The trees is up, but not trimmed. Someone can't find the legs that he brought down from upstairs. So it sits with just the pre-strung lights on it. Not all the Christmas shopping is done... And I seriously doubt it will get done at this point.

Although we have never really sent out Christmas cards before, I attempted today. Only able to get some of them out. The rest will be late. That is just how it is, people will just have to understand.

We are just overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed.

I keep thinking, praying even, that things will come together. They are & they're not. Times tickin' on, whether I want it to or not. This is so more than just Jake still not finding a job, or me still not having health insurence...

I keep waiting... waiting for things to feel like Christmas. Then I realize, the feeling that I'm waiting for, the feeling that I want, just isn't going to come.

I'm waiting for it to feel normal again. And normal, as I knew it, just doesn't exist anymore. I'm longing for something that isn't there -- not anymore.

I miss my dad. I miss other people, & "other things." Secretly, I wonder if there will ever come a time where I'm able to openly speak about what those "other things" are. I wonder about whether they will ever be written about on here.

If I'm to be truthful, I miss blogging my thoughts & feelings on here -- remember it has always been for my benefit, but to say that I guard my heart more & share it less is an understatement.

I have best friends that I've known for over 20 years that don't know my heart. I keep waiting for the words to come, & it's annoying & frustrating when they don't, but experience tells me not to force the words or the timing.

So I wait. For things to fall into place. Or fall apart. One or the other. Or both.

It's funny how I'm waiting for things to come together & fall apart at the same time. That's my life I guess... what it has become.

I've been in the midst of one of the toughest seasons I've lived through. Somehow, I'm making it through.

I have to say, that through it all -- I have gotten by with a little (sometimes A LOT) of help from my family & friends. Even if they didn't even realize it.

It's all in that encouraging word, that warm hug, that gentle nudge in the right direction, the being there without being asked...

And I know that one day the words will come -- to more people, as I process more, embrace fully. As life & time ticks on. I know there's a true freedom that exsits in saying what needs to be achknownleged -- spoken outloud, but I must trust myself & have faith.

I have faith the words will come, I have faith that the right job for our family will happen, I have faith that my health insurence will be reinstated.

Yes, I will walk by faith -- even when I cannot see. Bc I'm just a girl who dreams big, wishes for normal, prays a lot & knows that one day things will fall into place when they are meant to do so.

Catching Up

2011-12-02T01:47:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it has been so long since I've have blogged! It has been forever... or at least it feels like forever. It's hard to believe that my computer has been broken for so long. Now, thanks to my mom & an early Christmas present, I'm connected again. Hopefully, I will be blogging more regularly now, if not for any one's sake but my own.

I feel like in the time that has passed a lot has changed. I also feel that, in a lot of ways, things are the same. I supposed that is bc both are true in their own way.

Though he is still without a job, Jake & I are well. Although it is frustrating at times, we are lucky that we have a good support system, from family & friends that have been really supportive in various ways. I remain amazed at how God provides what we need when we need it, even if it's just an encouraging word when we needed the most.

I am forever thankful for the people in our lives & I am forever thankful for what God is doing in our lives. I may not like everything that happens to us, but I no there is a reason for it all.

I am very hopeful that, although it is not without its challenges, we are where we are meant to be. And at least we are there together.

Good & Beautiful God

2011-10-13T16:45:00.000-04:00

For about a year now, actually exactly a little over a year ago (September 19, 2010), I started attending a different church (GFC) from the one (CRCC) that Jake & I have grown to care & love for since 2003. For almost the whole year now, we have been double attending both churches, attending GFC on their Saturday evening services & attending CRCC on Sunday mornings. Both churches are far away from where we live, just in opposite directions, but GFC is closer & easier for us to get to, making it easier for us to be involved in.
After dad died, I needed a change. At the time, CRCC was talking about serving & Genesis. And honestly, my head, at the time,just wasn't at serving or weeks later, at "the beginning". I was numb, in shock, at "the end" of the dad's life, in the deep darkness of the beginning of grief.

Now, at CRCC, we have deep loving relationships. Very supportive & loving relationships, but at the time, I needed so, oh so, much more. I was tired. I was exhausted physically emotionally & mentally. I was tired of feeling loved & cared for & getting all this support on Sunday, but nothing during the middle of the week. Don't get me wrong... I had friends & a very brave few stood by me through it all, but I needed more.

So with nervousness & a somewhat heavy heart, we ventured to GFC for the first time. And even though I truly felt like I was cheating on the church that I loved so dearly, we reluctantly went to GFC for the first time. Without doubt, I was overwhelmed. CRCC only has a couple hundred people on any given Sunday, GFC a few THOUSAND. Yes, it is definitely, a mega church; however, this is part of the message I heard that day:

'Here's what I know: We are all in different places. Maybe you are in the midst of a really difficult place saying, 'God, where are you? Where are you in all of this?' And you know what He says? He says 'I am here. I have overcome the world. I desire to give you peace, & wholeness & healing. Lean into my goodness; And you may have to endure difficulty, but I am with you. I will never forsake you & I am good.'

Pastor Danny O’Brien
Sermon:God Is Good

Series: A Good & Beautiful God

September 19, 2010

And I never left. I never left, but the truth is I was feeling discontent at CRCC before dad died. I've even wrote about that discontentment on here before. I don't know if I could ever officially leave either church now bc I love them both, just for different reasons.

And here is what I know - my God, the God that I know & love, is without question the most loving & giving God that I have ever known. Through out this year, my world has been shattered & I have been brought to my knees, only to make me rebuild it again, different than before.

He has put people in my life, who have loved & cared for me, even when I was not able to love & care for myself. I am lucky to be connected with two incredible churches. The people that are in my life now, & whom are supportive, love us no matter the circumstance. This still surprises me each time it happens.

However, when it does happen - I am reminded that My God is a good & beautiful God & I'm forever loved by Him. Something we all need to be reminded of from time to time.

Update: Daisy

2011-09-22T14:55:00.000-04:00

Daisy is well. She made it through the surgery with flying colors. The vet said she is just doing absolutely beautiful. We have to return in a couple of days to get her bandage off then she remains on restriction for two weeks more until the staples come out.

I was ecstatic to hear that she did so well; now, I'm just praying that she heals nicely & that the infection that remains leaves quickly, now that the source of the infection is gone. The most difficult part of this all, is watching her be kenneled all the time & not able to have her understand that it for her well being. She just doesn't understand this all & I think that she thinks she is being punished.

We are managing her pain & she does not seem to be in a lot, but we've been really good about being constant with it, so that she is a comfortable as possible. She has more anxiety than anything, but she seems to remain calm the most when Pop is around her.

I'm so glad that after she is healed, she won't be in pain anymore & can be happy & healthy again. I wonder if she knows how much we love her & what a big part of our family she is & always has been.

Daisy In Prayer

2011-09-19T12:52:00.012-04:00

Daisy, my FIL's 13 year old dachshund, is in surgery just about now. A risky surgery, but a very much a needed one. I'll spare you the details, only that it has to do with removal of numerous tumors & a badly infected uterus with a very long & over do spay.

Everything about this sucks. The risk suck. I'm scared. She is such a sweet dog, who is very loved. We all love her.

Daisy was Jake's mom's dog. Well loved & well taken care of by her. Ms. Barbara died in April 2000 & completely changed this whole family, even Daisy - who very much was grieving too. She stopped eating & became super protective of her family very much. So much in fact that in the summer of 2003 when I started dating Jake, Daisy still only ate dog snacks - no food, just snacks

There is no doubt that Pop loves her. I also think Pop likes to avoid certain things & is in denial about other things. Other things like Daisy's health. He loves her, no doubt, but I think if he doesn't take her to the vet, the vet can't tell him bad news. News that he just doesn't want to hear.

So here we are - hoping & praying for the best in a difficult surgery that is complicated by Daisy's age. God, I love her so. She is such a great part of this family & Pee Wee loves her.

I must admit, that part of me has had to distance myself, not from daisy but from the situation, out of pure frustration at times. She is not our dog, but his. And he has made that clear. I wish I had the money to completely care for her, but I don't & that brakes my heart.

I love our vets (it's a family practice), & have much confidence in their abilities. I have faith & have said lots of prayers. And as for the rest, well, the rest, is not up to me.

2011-09-18T09:00:00.000-04:00

"A good character is the best tombstone. Those who loved you and were helped by you will remember you when forget-me-nots have withered. Carve your name on hearts, not on marble."

~ Charles H. Spurgeon

It's Been Awhile

2011-09-12T11:05:00.009-04:00

It's been months since I have written & I know it. The truth is within those months of absence, I have written hundreds of entries in my head. They just never made it here.

Sometimes, I wish they did.

Life has been tough. A lot of stuff going on... mostly emotional stuff that is taking it's toll on me. I won't bore you with details. Partly, bc it has just been so much & to try to write about it all at once is well, slightly overwhelming. And mostly bc I don't want this blog to be a downer for either you or me. Okay, so it might mostly be for my benefit. But still.

I never wanted this blog to be all about losing Mandy or losing Dad, but it seems that in large part that what it had become. Especially, Dad. This last year has been so difficult. It's like I lost not only him, but myself too. In a lot of ways, even now a year later, I'm trying to reclaim parts of me that don't seem to be connected.

As for Jake & I, we are doing well, despite the fact that he lost his job a few weeks ago. He was laid off along with many other people. I just hope & pray that his job search yields some results soon.

I miss a lot of my friends. Mostly, I just miss them being around. Or me being around them. Either way - schedules don't ever seem to line up & weeks go by & those weeks turn into months & so on. Life always seems to get in the way of the really important stuff. The stuff that doesn't cost money, but it cost time.

There never seems to be enough time. I hope, along with other things, that changes soon. Until then, I'm going to remember that in the darkest of times there still remains light.

Saying Sundays: Easter 2011

2011-04-24T09:02:00.000-04:00

"The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances."

~Robert Flatt

Mandy: Two Years Gone

2011-04-23T09:02:00.002-04:00

Dear Mandy,

Oh, how it seems strange to fathom that so much time has passed. How in the world could it be 2 years already? So surreal.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you & miss you. You are, & always will be, a part of me. Oh, how I wish I could see what you see & know what you know, bc without doubt, it's got to be something.

This year has been unbelievably tough for me for many reasons & it has made me miss you even more. This year has taught me that friends like you are few & far between. And our friendship was undoubtedly something rare that I will always cherish.

God, I miss you so. You have no idea. Or maybe you do, I don't know. I still can't believe you are not here. More often than not, there are days when I walk around dumb founded trying to figure out what is a miss. Then I remember.

It's you. You are what's missing.

I didn't think it was possible to miss you more than I already did, then dad died & everything fell apart bc it started with dad, but didn't end there.

Life is funny that way.

It's so ironic that you have to loose what's important to you to find what's important to you. Even more ironic is that when you lose you find out who matters &, more importantly, who you matter to.

You always mattered. You still do. That will never change. Either will my love for you or my undying gratefulness for you & your friendship in my life.

Such a blessing. A beautiful, beautiful blessing.

Love & Light Forever,

In The Depths

2011-04-22T09:02:00.005-04:00

Sometimes God whispers.
Sometimes God speaks.
Sometimes God screams.

We have to chose to hear Him.

He is always there.
In the depths,
a light, amid darkness.

Shining bright within.

This Little Light of Mine
By: Addison Road

Here I Am

2011-04-21T23:03:00.008-04:00

So, it seems like forever ago since I have blogged & I guess, in some strange way, it has been. Almost a month now.

My computer is not feeling so well at the moment & I'm not quite sure what's going on with it or how to fix it, so I have to log on to my FIL's computer & I don't like to spend a lot of time on there if I can help it.

I always find time fascinating. How it continues on despite everything. It's the one constant that is an entity of its own.

Dad has been gone for over eight months now. And in 2 days, Mandy will be gone for two years. That's crazy. I'm baffled really.

I have found, at least as it relates to me, time does not heal wounds, as the cliche implies, but rather changes things. Or perhaps it is me who changes. If I had to guess, I would say it is a little of both.

I'm just been thinking a lot about everything & everyone. I've been reflecting on a lot of stuff lately, that of which all falls under the great & all encompassing umbrella of life. And death, I suppose.

I do not have all the answers, but then again, I never claimed to. All that I am certain of is that I am changing & growing, as I struggle to find my place among the living again.

Not that I died, but when you are dealing with grieving, no matter what or who you are grieving for, it feels as if a part of you has died. And parts of me did die, in a sense.

So, here I am. As time goes on, so do I. Despite it all.

Trying To Remember

2011-03-25T22:53:00.008-04:00

I have had a really rough day today.

Luckily, I have a friend or two that let me vent to them & decompress a little.

Recently, I heard this song & thought it captured my feelings pretty well - of both how I'm feeling & what I am trying to remember.

I thought I'd share.

I could never thank those in my life who are there to remind me of the important things when I need to not only hear them the most, but to remember them the most too.

No Matter The State

2011-03-23T06:17:00.009-04:00

I wish could tell you I have all the answers. I don't.

I never did.

Now, questions - well, questions are a different story entirely. I have had those. A million of them.

The past couple of months have been some of toughest I have ever lived through. For reasons that people know, some of which is written on this blog, & for reasons that remain untold & very much unwritten.

I have always been this way. Unable to share things until I was ready. And if on the off chance that something slipped out before the time was right, regret always followed. Always.

I wish I was ready to tell everyone, but I'm not. One day, I will be though, but that day will not be for a while now.

Hours from now, I will be riding in the van for quite some time with Theresa. Now her... her I'm ready to tell now. Trust me when I say that even though I have wanted to tell her for months now, I wasn't ready.

Still, I'm filled with many mixed emotions. And I pray that when the words come they come out like I would prefer them to come, not in some anxiety-induced manic state. I don't know why I'm worried though bc I've already had the conversation with her, for what seems like, a thousand times in my head & in a million different ways.

Whatever will happen today will happen. Whatever will be said will, in fact, be said. And at the end of the day I will feel better. Not bc of what will happen or be said, but bc I get to spend the entire day - out of state - with my friend who just by knowing her makes me want to be a better person.

And she always leaves me in a better place than she found me. Every time. No matter what state.

All I Know

2011-03-19T00:57:00.009-04:00

For whatever reason, I've been going back & rereading some old emails & text that I've written to others & others have written to me. I happen to stumble on this & I thought I would share it.

It's something I wrote Theresa FOREVER ago, or at least it seems that way. Well, when I think about it it is not so long ago after all. It was written & sent in the early early hours of the morning on August 13, 2010, before I knew how the day would forever change me.

It is freaky how I sent the email one minute shy of exactly 10 hours before my Dad died. Somehow, the words seem more true now than how they were intended to be received.

I've said it before - sometimes things have to fall apart so that we can rebuild differently & stronger than before. Bc even though it might have appeared that what we had was working for us, maybe it wasn't always the best for us.

You are a great person, mother & friend & you should never forget that. God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other.

Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on, even if it is not the best path or the right path for us in the long run. What is most important is what we lessons we learn & what we take away from the journey.

Wow. How could I know that only in a few short hours that I would so desperately need to hear my own advice, in my own words? And even still need to hear them now, months later?

Actually, if I am to be totally honest, I do remember writing it & I do remember why I wrote it to her, but it wasn't until I noticed that she didn't reply that I looked at the date & everything snapped back in place.

She didn't reply bc she didn't have time before my world came crashing down. All I recall, & I do so vaguely, is that about 12 hours after I wrote that email, sending those words of advice to her - she would sit next to me in a hospital cafeteria as I sit in shock & try to wrap my brain around the fact that I just watched my dad die.

Yes. "...God gave us the ability to love each other, but with that we often pay the costly price of hurting bc love & pain are the best of friends, & you rarely have one without the other." And "Life & loss will lead us down many different paths. Each & every path we a supposed to be on..."

However knowing that is true, I still find myself asking a ton of questions, even months later. I have no clue what path I am on. I have no clue what God has planned for me.

All I know is that He does have a path & plan for me. All I know is there is a reason for this all. All this loss, all this hurt.

All I know & all that I am certain of is that I loved so deeply that I am in such deep pain. After all, you cannot have one without the other. No matter how hard you may try.

Lent 2011: These Late Nights Are Killing Me (Day 8)

2011-03-18T04:28:00.006-04:00

Dear T,

It's 4:30 AM & again, I can't sleep. I've been up all night or damn near it in pain. I think rain is near. Its either that or just the change in the weather in general.

Gosh, I can't wait for Wednesday. I am so very ready to tell you everything that I have been holding in. That's a good thing, I guess.

The funny thing about secrets & keeping them is they often hurt the one they are meant to protect. And they often gain power the longer we hold them in.

I'm working on letting things go for Lent. Or trying anyway. Nothing specific, just letting things go in general.

My computer hasn't worked right for days now. Something is wrong with the screen. I can tell you first hand that writing emails to you all via my cell phone is not at all fun, but at least it clears my head a bit, so I tolerate it.

Funny thing when you hugged me last night & said things will get better, I believed you. I know it will get better. It's just a matter of time really.

I have a funny feeling that after we talk & I tell you everything I will feel so much better. The crazy thing is that our friendship is so built on faith & honesty that it feels like lying by not being open & honest with you, which has seem to complicate things a bit.

Jake's alarm should be going off in a little while. Gosh, no one quite understands just how much I love him. He puts up with a lot stuff. Granted, I put up with a lot of stuff too, only in a different way.

I am so tired. I can hardly keep my eyes open. So I'm going to let go a bit & stop fighting myself, hoping that will lead to sleep.In the meantime, keep praying for me. In much need of prayers.

I love you.

Always,

Lent 2011: 2 AM Anxiety Freak Out (Day 3)

2011-03-12T01:59:00.017-05:00

It's 2 AM & I can't sleep. Anxiety is getting the best of me.

In 11 days, I am going to friendnap Theresa & take her away out of state for the day. She has no clue where we are headed & I love it that way, so I'll leave where we are going a mystery on here too. At least for now. {:)

For hours now, I have felt nauseated. There is no doubt that I'm being triggered badly & I hate it. Really, really, really hate it.

About a day ago or so, I wrote her an e-mail. And anyone who knows me well, knows that I hate email & that it isn't my favorite choice of communication ever. There is some things that I need to share with her. These things are personal & private. Very personal & very private.

So There are things I need to share that - well, I'm scared to share. Afraid to say. As if they will be real when I speak them. Unable to try & convince myself that it didn't happen.

Not to me. Not again.

I feel as if I'm a child again keeping secrets. God, I hate this feeling. It makes me sick. Literally.

Other then Jake, who only knows bc he is my husband (& well, how could he not know?), I have only told one other person & when that happened it slipped out - in some sort of anxiety-ridden frenzy that was induced by the life events which has occurred these last several months.

If it were up to me - no one would know. Hell, if it were up to me, it wouldn't have happened at all. The truth is I feel so much guilt & shame. I just want it to stop. I want to let it go.

I hate what my life has become.

I'm afraid if I speak out loud, it will change our friendship. I am afraid she won't love me anymore. Bc, let's face it - how in the world could anyone do that, right? I'm a little crazy. Or at least it feels that way.

Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing.

I have to let go. I have to let go of this. I can't hold onto it anymore. After all, I'm supposed to working on letting go of things for Lent. Right?

We will still be friends. She will still love me. I know this. How? Bc I know her. It's as simple as that. And she will - love me no matter what. She has told me so. And I believe her.

Even though I know that is the the truth, it doesn't feel true. Somewhere along the way, somethings happened to make the truth feel wrong. Lies that are embedded in my brain that I'm not even conscience of are influencing me & my behavior. Those lies need to go away. Go away now.

I need TPM. Seriously.

I am second guessing myself. And I need to stop. Why does every freaking thing need to be so complicated? Friendnapping was supposed to be fun. How did this happen?

I hold my head in my hands & know that it is only a matter of time. I just pray that the words will come when they are meant to come & they are received gently & met with love.

And in the end, I am, indeed, loved no matter what.

Lent 2011: Reflections of Ash Wednesday (Day 2)

2011-03-10T15:49:00.009-05:00

Last night, I attended the most amazing Ash Wednesday service at church. It difficult to explain, if you didn't attend.

There was scripture, meditation, a lot of prayer, singing, harp playing. A lot of time to reflect. All which lasted only a short hour, but was amazing.

I cannot lie - as amazing that it was, it was difficult fro me. Everything is difficult it seems now. To focus on ashes, the whole purpose to realize that we were created in our human physical form, which will not last forever. From ashes we were created & to ashes we will return.

Somehow, death is different for me now & I can't explain it. Last night, I spent a lot of time thinking of Dad, myself, crying & remembering how it feels to breath & to not only do it, but do it deeply.

Patsy lead us in the amazing meditation. One that I wish I had a recording of it, so I could do it again. Truly amazing, especially for me. Historically, it is very difficult for me to relax, but last night, at least for a little while it wasn't. My guess is it has lots to do with trust & for whatever reason I was able to be in a place where I felt safe & loved.

I thought a lot about what to give up or add, for that matter, for Lent, something which I should have thought of before yesterday, but didn't. Last year I gave up avoidance, remember? Something that challenged me & change me in many ways. This year, the only thin g I could think of is to make a conscience effort to blog daily.

Then after reflection & much consideration & deep thought - it came to me. For Lent, I'm going to work on letting go. What that means exactly, well, I'm still trying to figure that out. Letting go of what I'm not sure, but I do hope by letting go that I find myself again.

Stream of Consciousness: On Overdrive & Hating It

2011-02-18T01:36:00.008-05:00

It is a little past 1:30 in the morning & I can't sleep. My thoughts are swimming in my head so fast - it feels like tidal waves repeatably crashing upon the rocks & rushing the shore with no mercy in sight.

Just hours ago, I attended the viewing of a life long neighbor & family friend. She was always a good neighbor, but even a better friend.

Her daughter Sandy used to babysit me when I was little & we've been friends off & on throughout the years. Funny how people lose touch as time goes on. I hate that.

I'm six months along this strange journey that Sandy & her siblings are embarking on. I do not envy them. No one who has been here would.

I've been crying a lot tonight. It's just displaced grief that has surfaced. Untouched grief that is yet to be explored from Dad, Aunt Elaine, & even Mandy - I think.

On top of all that mom has had some health concerns that are causing me to feel somewhat on edge. Nothing too serious, but compounded with everything else just make my brain go a little on overdrive. I hate overdrive.

I try to take some deep breaths, but that is little relief. It is hard to put a name to my feelings & thoughts. I hate that too. Honestly, that has been happening a lot lately, more often then not.

All I think to say is - I 'm scared. Scared of what I don't know & can't put a name to it. This has happened before. The most clear example of this I can recall is the evening after dad died.

He died on a Friday & by Saturday night, I sought refuge at Theresa's house & spent the night. I was hell bent on not changing any plans that were already set before my world came crashing down. So there I was. Something that probably saved my life & sanity, in more ways than one.

All I could say was I'm scared. She would ask what I was scared of & I would tell her I don't know, unable to put a name to it. Months later, here I sit with that same feeling & still at a loss of words as ever.

And I hate it.

Dad: Six Months Gone

2011-02-13T10:56:00.001-05:00

Here I sit, in my church, before the srevice starts, & Johnny Cash's rendition of "Personal Jesus" plays.

How ironic. So very ironic. You would find this ironic if you knew him too. People used to call him Cowboy Cash, as he could always be found at the local tavern singing a Johnny Cash song or two on karaoke night.

My mind is a million & one miles away. Not exactly where it's supposed to be in church. Then again, maybe this is where exactly I'm supposed to be. Thoughts of my dad engulf ever crevass of my brain. And part of me hates that.

Every morning, as I awake & become aware of the world around me. The world feels unfilimar & something's a miss. Something's just not right.

Then I remember - Dad is gone.

And everyday I have to remind myself of that. Still. Secretly, in silience I am in pain. My heart is hurting. I so desprately want relief & wonder when it will come.

I am so tired. I am so tired of being alive. Not in a life vs. death sense, but rather a being alive vs. living sense.

Time has ticked on at a rapid pace. I cannot fathom that 6 months has passed when it seems like only weeks. Yet, there are periods that time seems to stand still. Or maybe it is me standing still.

Stuck.

Blogger's Block

2011-02-09T14:25:00.007-05:00

Regardless of the relationship, there is a security that exists when your parents are alive. For me, I didn't even realize it existed until it wasn't there or to be more accurate - until Dad wasn't there.

It has been strange how time has moved on. So slowly, yet incredibly fast. I would have to say there are more good days then bad right at the moment; however, when they are bad they are really bad.

For whatever reason, on more mornings then not, I still find myself having to remember that Dad is gone. I wonder when the nightmares & strange dreams will stop. I have been told by those who have already walked the path of losing a parent that this is normal.

I am incredibly grateful for my friends, the selected few of which I can count on one hand who have consistently been there & been a great support. I truly don't know what I would do without them. And on the other hand I can count more friends who have helped me in their own way & in their own time - for them I am grateful too.

As if it is some type of writer's block, there is so much I want to say, but I just can't find the words to say them in. So much that I want to blog about, but I just either can't find the words or don't have the desire at the moment to blog about. Good stuff that has nothing to do with grief.

This is so not what I wanted my blog to be about. One death after another - a strange journey to live life while living through other's deaths. I used to love to write post, but now I struggle to do things I used to love. Everything is still to complicated.

Secretly, I wonder when these post will be more about life then death, but I know better than to try & force something than not to blog about where I truly am at in the moment. This is where I am in my journey & I just need to honor it & be here - not to push it away.

So, here it is, this strange blogger's block that I find myself in. Hoping that I once again will find myself again & a new normal, one post at a time.

Different

2011-01-18T13:51:00.006-05:00

Everything is different now & it makes the most simplest of task so very difficult.

The very last thing I've felt like doing is writing. There always seems to be a million & one thoughts in my head now a days & it is so easy to get distracted & forget what I'm doing from one task to the other.

Wish I could forget other things too, even for a little while.

The holidays came & went. So incredibly painful & wonderful at the same time. Just other reminder that things will never be the same.

Honestly, I don't want to talk about everything now, it only seems to complicate things & is a overwhelming task all it's own. I can say this though - I have struggled to stay connected & be connected to those I love.

I try, but it is as hard for others to understand as it is for me to explain. Some days are better than others. As always, it amazes me how time passes. And how things appear to be the same yet are drastically different.

New Year's Faith

2011-01-01T14:33:00.000-05:00

I'm still trying to understand the events of last year & work through many things the best that I can.

What do I want for the new year?

I want 2011 to be better than 2010.
I want to learn from from my past & appreciate it.
I want to live in the moment.
I want to love freely & deeply.
I want to not take anyone or anything for granted.
I want to be the person God intended for me to be.

I saw this on YouTube recently, & thought I would share.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you have a happy, healthy, life-embracing year & not take one single second for granted.

Embracing Truth

2010-12-20T01:24:00.008-05:00

Yesterday, which only ended a few hours ago, was difficult.

I cried a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean a lot. In the middle of worship at church & everything. Body jerking, unstoppable crying. The kind that makes me want to run & hide type of crying. I stayed put though. Real progress for me, as I don't like feeling exposed or vulnerable around lots of people.

Here's the things though, it was real. It was the truth. And part of me believes, wholeheartedly, that if you can't get real & truthful in a church, maybe you aren't where you are supposed to be in the first place. Or maybe that isn't the right church for you.

Luckily, I was where I was supposed to be; hearing the message I was supossed to hear; surrounded by those who I was suppossed to be around. I love my church(es), both of them - for different reasons, but more about that later... that may a different post entirely.

So, for whatever reason, yesterday, I missed dad so much. And just don't know how I am to get through the holidays without him. I miss him so much at times, it hurts. Literally.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. I know well enough that asking someone who's in Heaven to come back, even if they could, would be like torture. Even if he could come back, he wouldn't want to do so.

And, likewise, I realize that with everything there is a season. Trust me when I say, he is in such a better place than here. Still, I can't deny the truth...

I am hurting. Struggling.

And part of me knows that's where I am suppose to be at the moment. This isn't supposed to feel good, it's supposed to hurt.

It hurts bc I loved him. And part of me doesn't know what to do without the first man who ever loved me not being on this earth anymore.

And whatever I am feeling, no matter how crappy it feels, no matter how gut-wrenching, heart-ripping, painfully raw this feels - it is okay to feel. It is okay to feel this.

It's okay to feel what I feel, in the moment. It's okay to embrace this grief, at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Bc I shouldn't have to run. I shouldn't have to hide, especially from that which is true.

Saying Sundays: Shadows of Life

2010-12-19T02:32:00.004-05:00

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.

~~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Four Months Gone

2010-12-13T02:08:00.003-05:00

Funny how time drifts on, even if we don't want it too.

I've been thinking lately how strange it feels to exists without my dad. There are days that I have to remind myself that he is gone.

Still.

This seems like a very odd thing for me to have to do, yet there are days when I have to remind myself several times. And others where it is painfully clear.

It seems like I should be doing something. Like going to a hospital to visit him, picking up food from the store, taking him Christmas shopping, or logging on to play The West with him.

Christmas time doesn't feel very Christmassy this year. I am amazed that it is cold bc somewhere in my brain, I am stuck back in August - unable to compute that my world has ticked on for an entire quarter of a year without him.

My phone is still too silent. I suspect it always will be. I wonder how others have coped & if they struggled to find their place again, like me.

Two AM & I am still awake. I am always awake now, never able to seem to get whatever it is I need. My doctor says this is what it is like to grieve for a parent. Or so he has heard. So vastly different than any other grief.

I should say so.

And will say so.

Four months. Gone.

Uncharted Waters

2010-12-10T23:46:00.004-05:00

My life these past few months has not been easy. Not that I want it to be easy; although I must admit, it would be nice to just be a little bit easier.

I have been avoiding posting to this blog for many reasons, some of which are known to me & others which are not. Quite truthfully, I have struggled with daily life, as much as I have struggled to find the words to express myself.

When things have been bad, & I mean really bad, I would focus on anything good to get me through. Whether it would be a smile, a hug, some kind words, a phone call, or even an unprompted text.

Believe it or not, I have not been depressed. Only grieving, which in itself is very different from depression. I should know - I have depression for nearly 20 years & have grieved for many along the way... too many to count.

However this grief is unlike any other. It's an entity of its own.

And that is as difficult for me to explain as it is for others to understand. Most of my friends have never lost a parent, so they can't comprehend. And honestly, part of me still wishes that I was still naive to such a world altering moment unlike any other I have ever known.

And for any of you who truly know me, know that I have had many of those along the way.

So, for now, I must say I am doing the best I can. Taking the day as it comes & sometimes even that is difficult to do, but that just has to be enough for now... as I forge on in uncharted waters.

The Climb

2010-11-15T09:02:00.000-05:00

Stream of Consciousness: 3 Months Gone

2010-11-13T14:39:00.007-05:00

Providing such an outlet for me, I have always loved writing. So, why know when I needed the most, do I not do it? Your guess is as good as mine. The days are difficult. If it's not one thing it's another. Crisis after crisis. The world is on my shoulders.

It has so little to do with dad dying & so much to do with him at the same time. I miss him daily & it seems that everyday my heart aches for him even more. It's been 3 months today, yet it seems like yesterday.

There is an eerie silence in my world. My world forever altered now never to be the same. Losing a parent sucks. It is a pain so deep it is hard to put words to. Maybe that is why I can't write. Words are hard for me now.

How do you put into words something you cannot even seem to wrap your brain around fully yet to begin to comprehend it? We all know it happens. Everyone one day will lose their dad & mom. Everyone one day will die.

As good as my friends are - both the ones that are there & the ones that are not - they don't get it. How can they? Some have parents still living, some do not. Some had parents who are still married, some not. Some have siblings, some not. My point is, it is different for me, as it is them bc there situation is different. Even their relationship with there parents are different. Everyone's is. They have a different history. I have a different history. I am different.

They're is no cookie cutter way to grieve. There never has been. No, I don't need to go talk to someone. No one can tell me what I already know to be true. I will get through this. I have faith. I have faith, but not in myself. I have lost that for now. One day I will find it again. Just not today.

My faith in God however that still stands. Without question I am being tested. And I have faith in Him that if He brings me to it, He'll bring me through it. And when I doubt at my darkest hour, I just have to remember that I am not alone.

Saying Sundays: On Prayer

2010-10-31T09:02:00.000-04:00

"Prayer should be the breadth of our breathing, the thought of our thinking, the soul of our feeling, and the life of our living, the sound of our hearing, the growth of our growing. Prayer in its magnitude is length without end, width without bounds, height without top, and depth without bottom. Illimitable in its breadth, exhaustless in height, fathomless in depths and infinite in extension."

~Homer W. Hodge

Losing It

2010-10-29T02:01:00.008-04:00

Losing what? I am not sure. I am not sure of much anymore.

For days I've stayed to myself... Painfully pulled away. Well, truth be told - It wasn't so much pulling away as me just stopping reaching out.

What is the point? Especially if others don't reach back or are insanely busy. I am starting to feel like a bother.

For days, I've been in a dark place - dark & difficult. I'm not depressed, I'm grieving. I know the difference, having been in both places many times, for different lengths of time.

Most don't get it. They still have their parents. Even Jake who lost his mom 10 years ago struggles to get it at times. He wants to fix this. He can't. I feel bad for him. Isn't that ironic?

I want to strangle the person who says time heals. Time doesn't heal a damn thing, it just continues on. Continues on despite everything.

I try to keep my faith - keep it close to me. I know God is carrying me bc I am exhausted & just can't do this anymore.

I have lost it. Lost myself. Feel like I have lost everything & including who I am. I will never be the same... I just am struggling. Struggling to find my new normal.

Thoughts that are dark dance in my head. I try not to entertain them, not for long... no good can come of it.

So for now, I will try to sleep. To get rest from it all. And I will pray that in the morning, light will shine through the darkness... at least for a little while.

Stays With You

2010-10-21T11:18:00.008-04:00

{Happy Birthday, Mandy. Hope you're throwing a huge party in Heaven. I will forever miss you, but your love will be with me forever too.}

In memory of

Mandy L. Ways

10/12/76 - 4/23/09

{Mandy, At Outback Steakhouse 12.7.07}

Picture your best friend. The one who gets you without having to say one word. Who loves you freely & without any condition. The one who you can be absolutely crazy with, laugh until you pee, no matter your day, even when it's difficult.The one who has been there through it all from your parent using you as a punching bag to the man you were to marry getting killed... now, imagine them gone.

And then a little over a year later, your dad dies, you still can't have a child, & all you want is your best friend. You want her bc you know that she wouldn't be like most friends & disappear from your life or not reach back when you reach out, just bc your dad died. No, not her. She is different.

Imagine walking around wounded. Only no one can see. You go about your day like everything is fine, but it's not. Something is missing. You have changed. The world is still the same. Your best friend is in Heaven. You dad is there too. And oh, for good measure let's just throw in your aunt. You mothers best friend. The one person who understood your mom better than the rest. The one who has known you & loved you before day one.

People go about their lives. They move on. And so have you. You have moved on bc it's the right thing to do, even when it is difficult & you know that it's the only thing to really do... bc it's about living your life, not about dying.

But deep inside, you just miss them. And you know that you always will. You know bc that's what life is about. Its about loving someone so deeply that their love stays with you forever.

Missing In Action: When it Rains

2010-10-21T00:31:00.007-04:00

So, I have been MIA, but I have good reasons.

Family.

For starters, a few weeks ago, Jake's dad wasn't feeling well & long story short - he ended up in the hospital & underwent some test. The test came back showing he had some blockages in his heart.

The doctors are trying to treat it medically with medicine at the moment & my FIL is trying to make some lifestyle changes so that his heart can get better & he can be healthy, which will allow him to stay around longer.

My FIL has no history of heart trouble before this, so you can imagine how crazy it was for me (& Jake, for that matter) to be going through this yet again, merely weeks after losing dad. Still, through it all, I tried to stay focused & not worry until there was reason to do so.

And so, I went into crisis mode & stayed there for awhile until it was safe for me let my guard down. I am so at home in crisis mode, or shall I say - it is a place that feels all too familiar. For now, & hopefully a long time, FIL is doing well, & taking better care of himself.

Then there is Damon. Damon is my brother, 8 years my senior, 2 years Lea's Junior. I know I have never really went in depth about Damon on here before now. I guess this was simply bc I didn't want to just say some stuff about him without giving him & who he was the time & attention he deserved.

Damon is my older brother who has had paranoid schizophrenia since he was a teenager. He lives in one of the few state intuitions that our left in the country & has for going on 18 years or better.

Well, Saturday morning I got a call from my grand mom asking me if I heard from anybody about Damon. When I said no, she then told me that she got a call from a trauma nurse stating that Damon is about to undergo surgery for a badly broken leg.

We are still unsure of what happen & we are trying to piece together the truth from the many different stories we are hearing from multiple sources. All I know for sure is that my brother now has 8 pins in his leg & has an external fixation attached to his leg & is do for at least one more surgery.

This week has been long & tiring... all these weeks have. I feel like lately that is all I'm doing is going from crisis to crisis. People have said to me, when it rains, it pours, which, in all honesty, I'm sick of hearing.

This is just life, & sometimes it happens like this. I just gotta keep going - moving on, moving forward bc if I stop, I may get stuck. And I want to be anything but stuck.

Saying Sundays:A Hole In The World

2010-10-17T09:02:00.001-04:00

"Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell."

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

Dear Dad: 2 Months Gone

2010-10-13T20:39:00.008-04:00

{June 16, 2007}

Dear Dad,

It has been two months since you passed away. I still can't believe you are gone. It seems surreal. Time is moving so slow for me, but is flying by way too fast for me too. The world around me is spinning. I'm am slowly coming out of the shock & beginning to be able to feel again.

The majority of my friends don't understand - having never lost a parent. Before you were gone, I thought I understood when friends lost their mom or dad bc I've lost people who mean the world to me. I was wrong... so very, very wrong. Through everything that I have been through, this is absolutely the worst pain I've ever felt.

There are many friends that are not talking to me. It's like I have something they fear is contagious. Deep down, I understand... they just don't know what to say. I get it. It still hurts though. I am getting really tired of me reaching out & them not reaching back. For some, our friendship has forever altered - never to be the same.

I still find it difficult to talk to you. Not knowing what to say or how to say it. There was so much left unsaid. Stuff that needed to be said, more for my benefit then yours. I'm struggling to make sense of many the different sides of you. From the man you were to man you became. From the dad you once were & the dad you became to be. One man, broken & imperfect - just like us all.

I sat in your chair most of the day yesterday. My heart ached for you. Much like it does now. I am pissed at you too. Angry that you left me with so much to sort out, so many questions, & so much unfinished stuff.

It was you who laid in that bed as we begged you to go to the hospital. You knew this was the end & this is what you chose. By the time you were at the hospital, 5 days later you were gone. Even so, this leaves me struggling with much inside.

I want you back. I want you here. I want you to see my (non-existent) kids grow up. I want to say the things that you never let me say. Things that you never let me say bc you would utter, "Okay, Okay, I don't want to talk about it..."

Well, when Dad? When do you want to talk about it? Now? That is so unfair to me. So very unfair. I can't even talk to you now, unable to say what really needs to be said. Somewhere there is this little girl who still wants approval from Daddy. Wondering if she's doing everything okay. Not wanting to upset you.

When will I realize that stuff like that doesn't matter anymore? Nothing matters, not like that. I can't go back now. I never could.

So, I see Jake in flannel & he reminds me of you. I look at the stars & think of you. I look at Jupiter shinning bright in the sky, knowing that it will be gone in a little while - still there, but unable to be seen.

Just like you.

Love Always,

Saying Sundays: Building Character

2010-10-03T09:02:00.000-04:00

You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one.

~ Henry David Thoreau

Little Girl Longing

2010-10-01T00:48:00.005-04:00

It is raining. Almost 1 AM here. The rain has been non-stop & there are flood warnings statewide.

The pain I feel is non-stop, physically at least.

Sometimes I am still numb from shock - losing too much to fast, but it is wearing off slowly. And when it does, that pain too is non-stop.

It is like I'm walking around wounded, but no one knows it but me. There are open wounds & they are deep.

There are times when I have to remind myself that Dad is gone, never again to return. I remember when I was 5 & he took the boys & leaving me behind with mom. Here I was this little girl confused, disoriented & deeply hurt, who wanted nothing but her Daddy to come back.

This is no different.

There are things I wish I would have said. Things I wish I was brave enough to say. Things that he may or may not have known - nonetheless - things that I needed to say.

Still now, I cannot say them, not yet. It is just too much. The tears flow slowly, more freely now. I wish it wasn't so late. I would call someone I really would.

I am so tired. So very tired. And hurt. So hurt. I miss my Dad. I want to hear his voice. I want him to hold me. I don't want him to be gone. I am so not ready for him to be gone. In many ways, I'm still that little girl - who was left behind, wanting nothing more then her Daddy to come back.

Standing In Awe At Her Light

2010-09-30T16:51:00.012-04:00

Dear Theresa,

You are such a phenomenal woman. Sometimes I just sit back & watch you & I'm in awe. I watch as in this past year you have lost everything: your mom, your business, a relationship & the home & family that you had created for yourself. Your whole entire life is in upheaval right now, & as someone who loves you, it is so difficult to watch.

With everything you are going through, it just amazes me to see the light that radiates within you. Oh, how God has touched you with His beautiful light & it shines so bright. Your strength is incredible to witness, as I know, without doubt, that others in your situations have not been so strong & quite honestly - who would blame them?

As your friend, I feel privilege to witness this journey you are on. I know that God has an incredible plan for you, & His plan is far greater than both of us could ever truly imagine. I know first hand how difficult it is to trust God, especially in such low times, but I also know that it is in times of great difficulty that God loves us more (if that is even possible).

Watching you shine in these dark times makes me smile. My life is so much more blessed bc you are in it. I love being around you bc being around you is so easy do. Your energy, light & love are infectious. And, quite honestly, every time I talk to you or see you, I am always left in a better place, even if the place you found me in was great.

I want to thank you for being such an incredible friend to me. You have stood by me in my darkest times - showing up automatically without being asked. Holding my hand, standing by me, giving me hugs & loving me through my own difficult times, even when it is hard for you to do.

You have even crossed bridges for me. Now, that's amazing! {:)

So, yes - I know He has plans for us. Just like I know that he smiled upon us the day we became friends. Who knew that a class that we both began over a year & a half ago would have such an amazing impact on our lives not just by the simple nature of the class, but bc that is where our friendship began?

And that our friendship would grow over over months, thousands of miles apart, thousands of text & many well wishes & prayers? And isn't it just amazing, by the looks of it, that God can change our oustides to match who we truly are on the inside? How He can transform us through our hard work, our struggles & bless us beyond our dreams.

So, my friend, I thank you. For everything you have done for me. For loving me. For blessing me. For letting me love you & your family. Thank you for being my best friend & standing by me through it all.

I love you. Always.

Checking In At 2 AM

2010-09-18T02:36:00.002-04:00

Dear Linette,

I'm doing okay I guess. I really appreciate you checking in on me. It means so much to me. My days are long & exhausting my nights are even longer. There is no doubt I am in shock. Still numb. Who knew the shock could last this long? I certainly didn't.

I have lost a lot of weight. One of my best friends, Stacey, saw me yesterday & she was at Dad's funeral just mere weeks ago & she says she thinks I have loss 20 to 25 pounds or so, but I don't know for certain. It's not that I'm not eating, it's more like I am overwhelmed by the smallest things of everyday life. Like food, clothes, crowds, & I can make big decisions without question, but it is the small ordinary everyday decisions that overwhelm me the most.

I find myself thinking that I'm missing something. Something that I just can't seem to put my finger on. Often at times I feel I should be doing something like go to the hospital or call to check on him, but then I remember. They say it's totally normal to feel this. And deep down I know this to be true, as I am no stranger to grief at all.

Some days I can barely function & I find myself going through the motions of things automatically like on auto pilot. A lot of the time I feel numb, almost as if I am waking from a deep sleep & not fully awake or aware of my surroundings yet.

Losing a parent is different though. So drastically different. It feels as if I lost half my identity or something, Like half a foundation or at the very least half my history. I am not as close to my Dad's side of the family as I have always longed to be, so in a way I feel as if I lost them too.

Bc my dad left nothing in writing, I find myself asking if I am doing the right thing & wondering if I am going to screw things up or miss a step.

Well, I guess I should be going as it is almost 2:30 AM on Saturday morning. I think I may post this letter to you on my blog as an entry bc I have been finding it difficult to not only blog but to write things that make sense. If you would like to stop by there sometime, there is a picture of my Dad on there as well, as my Aunt Elaine.

A big thank you goes out to you & Tim for keeping us in your prayers. We miss you so very much, me especially. Say Hello to Tim for me & give Ester a kiss & hug for me.

In Love & Friendship,

Stream of Consciousness: Longing

2010-09-17T23:40:00.005-04:00

My days are long, my nights are even longer.

I just want to wake from this dream for I must be dreaming. I am *still* numb. Very much in a daze, just trying to figure out why my life is so foreign to me now.

Then, I remember.

Dad is gone. Aunt Elaine is gone.

Grief has set in, but the shock still not gone. Who knew that it could last this long. I had no clue.

I keep thinking to myself that I should be doing something. Something more. Like being at a hospital. Or calling to check on someone to make sure things are okay. Or picking up stuff from the store. Or answering computer questions. Or playing some game with enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm, what's that? Seriously, there are times when my brain is numb. Like when you wake from a deep sleep but are not fully aware just quite yet.

And my friends they are there. They are not. Well, that is to say that some are & some are not. Strange how I would just be there without someone having to reach out, if it were my friend. Yet, I cannot & do not expect others to be me.

There are some days where I just long for someone to reach out bc, honestly, I don't have the strength. Yet, there are some days where I reach out & am disappointed when there is no reaching back.

What do people want from me?

I long to be hugged. I long to be held. I just want to be held. I just want to be in a safe enough place to cry. Something is missing. Something is wrong. Something is missing in the world, & everything feels different.

Right now, I very much feel like I'm that scared little girl who is just longing to be held... a little girl lost... a little girl longing for her Daddy.

Stop The World

2010-09-16T09:02:00.003-04:00

It still feels like I am moving in slow motion. The world spinning entirely too fast & life moving on while I am standing still trying to figure out what in the world just happened to my life.

Just make it stop. Slow down. So I can hear You. I know You are here. And I know, beyond it all, I am loved.

Letter To A Treasured Friend

2010-09-15T13:25:00.005-04:00

My Dearest Deanna,

I have wanted to write you for sometime now. And for some reason I miss you terribly today. I've been thinking about you a lot these past couple of weeks. Seven years seem way too long to not see or talk to someone who was once your best friend. It is strange how some people just drift apart for no apparent reason at all & then so much time passes & then months turn into years.

You would be so proud of me. I am so different from when we last saw each other. I no longer have depression &, Dee, I'm happy in my life. I love my husband Jake & we have been trying for a family for 3 years now. We haven't had a easy marriage, but we stick it out & know that with each other & God we can make it through anything. I so love him deeply & don't know what I would do without him, & I know for a fact he feels the same.

Mom & I have a good relationship now (at least it is so much better than the one before) that I am out of the house & let me tell you just how great forgiveness is. A couple of years ago, I told her, "Mom, you were the best Mom you knew how to be when you knew how to be it." Forgiveness is such an incredible thing, but honestly, I think it has done more for me than it has for her.

I would tell you about my Dad too, but right now I'm at a loss of words about him. See, he died just over a month ago on Aug 13th. My world has been turned upside down & flipped around & it is unlike any other loss grief I have ever felt. Then to add to it, my mom's friend of over 40 years, whom I loved like an aunt, died 9 days later & I buried them 7 days apart.

I can honestly say that I'm still numb & that's okay for right now. The emotions will come when they come & I'm just holding onto my faith, reaching out to friends & hoping they reach back. Honestly, though, even if they don't - I know that God will give me what I need when I need it & surround me with the perfect people & support when the time comes.

I am so glad that you & Chris are married & am delighted to see your love & family grow. I couldn't be more happy for you. I have often thought about you guys over the years & hoped that you were doing well. I am not sure where you are living at the moment, but I would love to see you & catch up or something of the sort.

I hope this letter finds you healthy & happy & know that even though the years have passed, you will always find a friend in me. You can always call me, text me, write me whatever. I will always be here for you. After all, that's what a best friend does, even if we drifted apart over the years.

Deanna, you were such a wonderful friend to me, even when I really didn't deserve such the incredible friend you were to me. You saw me through some really horrible & dark times in my life & I I'll always have such gratitude for the love you have shown me. So, let me take this time to tell you thank you for everything you have done for me bc it has help make me the person I am today.

And as always, I love you.

Saying Sundays: Look Deeply

2010-09-12T20:20:00.003-04:00

“If you look deeply into the palm of your hand, you will see your parents and all generations of your ancestors. All of them are alive in this moment. Each is present in your body. You are the continuation of each of these people."

Thich Nhat Hanh
Vietnamese Monk, Activist and Writer
b.1926

21 Days

2010-09-03T10:11:00.002-04:00

Dear Dad,

It's been three weeks since you left us, or 21 days, which ever way I say it - it does not matter - it still sucks.

My phone is so quiet, it is maddening. I miss your calls, I miss your voice. I miss your never ending list of things that you want from the stores. I miss your questions, about everything. I miss your never ending knowledge & frustration & enthusiasm for the online game we always played together.

I am sad you're gone, but everything seems so complicated now. Why in the hell didn't you put anything in writing? I'm so angry that you didn't, but to tell you the truth, I can't even worry about dealing with any anger or anything I feel right now, there is still so much to be done.

I am still going through life numb. I don't know how long this will last, but something tells me I shouldn't question it. It was just so hard getting everything in your apartment taken care of just a mere 14 days after your death. That was just last Friday. I didn't even have time to think straight.

And do you think I knew that Aunt Elaine would die only 9 days after you? Or be buried exactly 7 days after you were buried? Who could know that? Who could even be prepared for that? Who can even comprehend that? Not me.

I can't even grasp that you are gone.

I am going through the motions. In a fog. Amazed that time passes like it does. Where did the rest of August go? Can it really be September already? With Fall right around the corner? What the hell?

I know you always said, "Don't cry for me when I am gone. When it's my time, it's my time." But seriously? Emotion is emotion & I know it's perfectly okay to cry, especially when grieving. So why can't I cry? Instead I get overwhelmed & always tell people I am scared. What the hell is that about?

Gosh, I miss you. Why did you leave me with so many questions, yet again.

Love, Your Little Girl,

Someone Please

2010-09-01T22:31:00.005-04:00

I am feeling slightly overwhelmed.

I hate this. Everything about these tough days suck. They really do. I seem fine one minute & then the next I am completely overwhelmed.

I still have not cried.

You would think that losing my dad, I would be able to cry. All I can really think is how I still feel numb & am trying to wrap my brain around the fact that my world has shattered.

In time, the tears will come. I may not be crying, but I'm very much grieving. It's just manifesting in different ways.

Losing Dad & Aunt Elaine so close together is almost too difficult to comprehend.

I feel lost. So lost. So very, very lost.

Someone please help me.

Saying Sundays: Inexpressible

2010-08-29T09:02:00.001-04:00

The deep pain that is felt at the death of every friendly soul arises from the feeling that there is in every individual something which is inexpressible, peculiar to him alone, and is, therefore, absolutely and irretrievably lost.

~Arthur Schopenhauer

Homesick

2010-08-26T09:02:00.002-04:00

Contradiction

2010-08-25T09:02:00.002-04:00

By the time this post goes live tomorrow, I will be getting ready to leave & go to Aunt Elaine's funeral. Just a very short 7 days ago, I buried Dad last Wednesday too.

I am exhausted & questioning a lot. Sometimes I just think that this cannot be real & I'll wake up any second. I'm in automatic mode that is for sure. Everything around me seems to be in slow motion, yet moving so incredibly way too fast.

I don't want to be around people, but yet, I don't want to be alone either. I want to push people away, but yet, I want to hold them close & am terrified of them leaving me. I am a rolling contradiction.

I am hurting so much & so deep that I don't even know if words exist to express how I feel. If I do ever find the words though, you'll be the first to know.

Stream of Consciousness: Smothered

2010-08-24T10:45:00.006-04:00

I can't tell you how sick of everything I am. Sick of dealing with death. Sick of dealing with life. I am being smothered & I can't breathe.

Everything is happening so quickly, I barely have time to get a cohesive thought in my head. Still can't wrap my brain around that Dad is gone & now I have to process the loss of Aunt Elaine. Or try to, at the very least.

I am overwhelmed with things. Things that need to be done. Things that now are scattered around my house, belongings of a life that is gone now. Things that need to handled legally. Things that I need to do & there doesn't seem like enough time to do it in. Things that just don't make any sense anymore.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

I was up to 5 AM making a video for aunt Elaine's viewing bc Walgreen's couldn't do it right in the first place. How can they not make all the pictures turn the right way for viewing when they are the ones to be the "expert" movie makers anyway? After hours of trying to make it work, I just decided to make my own movie, even though I have never done so before.

Jake is at work & I don't want to be alone. There is too much that needs to be done & I need him right now. He just had to go to work right now, bc he has already lost a weeks pay from dad dying.

I feel so alone. And angry. So very angry, but I couldn't tell you for the life of me at who or at what. Just everything & everyone. I am tired of hearing "They are in a better place,she's not suffering anymore & it was his time." Why do people say that? It doesn't make anything better.

If you want to do something, just be there. And meet me where I am. Not asking a million questions about things I don't want to answer. What am I going to do with this what am I going to do with that kind of questions are NOT helpful. They suck & are very overwhelming. So stop it.

So, no, she wasn't my biological aunt, but love & my heart don't know that. And quite honestly, I didn't know that either til I was old enough to figure it out.

And Dad, well, Dad I can't even go into right now. Nope, can't do it. This is so not how I saw this whole thing playing out.

Not at all.

Rest In Peace, Aunt Elaine

2010-08-24T03:23:00.008-04:00

Aunt Elaine (1946-2010)
Picture Taken 12.27.2003

Today my mom's best friend of over 40 years, who I affectionately called Aunt Elaine, passed away this morning at 9:11 AM.

Still numb from losing dad merely 9 very short days ago, I truly cannot speak & am at a lost for words. I pray that I find the words soon.

Dad: Eight Days

2010-08-21T09:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Dad,

It's been eight days since you left us & I still can't wrap my brain around the fact that you are gone.

It seems like something is terribly a miss, but I just can't think of what is out of place. Then like a nightmare, my stomach drops & I have to remind myself that you have passed away.

I keep waiting for my phone to ring & I so desperately want to hear your voice telling me something you want from the store or how you are doing playing The West. You so loved that game & were always so much more into it than I ever was, even though I am the one who got you into it in the first place.

I still have not cried, which is super strange for me. I know you always told me not to cry for you when die, but I know this isn't what you meant. Okay, so there have been a tear or two, but nothing to the extent that I so desperately need.

I just pray that when it finally happens that God makes sure I have the perfect people around me. He's done a great job so far making sure that I have just the right love & support, so I can't see why things would be different then.

The support & love others have shown me have been so amazing. In fact, it has been difficult to put into words, so for now, I won't try.

I am worried about everything, wondering if I'm doing things right or how you would have wanted them. I am still mad that you didn't put anything in writing like I begged you to. Since you didn't, I hope I am doing a decent job or partly anyway.

I am still so very numb & I am not looking forward to anything that is to follow...

Can this be for real?

Saying Sundays: A Great Man

2010-08-15T21:00:00.001-04:00

A great man is one who leaves others at a loss after he is gone.

~Paul Valery

Aware

2010-08-14T07:27:00.012-04:00

I would say that as I awoke this morning, this is the song that was playing as my alarm went off, which is all true - except the part of sleeping or waking up, as I should say.

Yes, losing my Dad yesterday is defiantly turning my world around & upside down.

Yes, in deed, I am aware now. And I am so thankful for the love of both my Fathers, in ways that you just cannot imagine.

Update : Dad

2010-08-13T12:38:00.003-04:00

Hello everyone, it's Stacey. I am posting for Shannon today as she really can't be here right now. She did ask me to post an entry, especially for those who have been following, thinking and praying for her father. At 10:11am this morning, her Dad, Rodney passed away. He was 65 years old. He had been fighting a significant infection and awaiting surgery. I would like to ask you to please pray for Shannon, her family and her father in this very difficult time. The loss of a parent is tough to bear and she will need the strength and support of those of us who care about her.

Most faithful God, lively is the courage of those who hope in You. Your servant Rodney suffered greatly, but placed his trust in Your mercy. Confident that the petition of those who mourn pierces the clouds and finds an answer, we beg You, give rest to Rodney. Do not remember his sins, but look upon his sufferings and grant him refreshment, light, and peace. Amen.

Rodney Lea Brown (1945-2010)

"We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord."
2 Corinthians 5:8

In The Woods

2010-08-12T14:10:00.006-04:00

Dear Friends,

Even though I am tired beyond belief, I wanted to take time & write you an update. Yesterday, Dad got transferred to JHH. This move was much faster than expected, but I learned that they want to operate on him tomorrow, if everything aligns in the universe right. If for some reason they can't do it tomorrow, Monday is a must.

Even though he is sicker than he has ever been, they want to remove his defibrillator unit as fast as possible to remove the original source of the infection. We are hoping that it is just the unit that is infected & not his heart, but seeing that the infection has spread to his bloodstream, they are doubtful.

Sometime during the night his defibrillator fired 9 times, so they quickly moved him to the CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) & put him on more meds to help his heart stay out of the pesky VT rhythms that is causing the defibrillator to go off.

The doctors have been very honest to both my dad & me, if he survives the surgery, the recovery will be long & difficult. It will be quite awhile before anybody can safely say his is out of the woods.

I'm holding up okay. Although I am exhausted & at times, frustrated & scared. For the majority of the time though - at least while I'm at the hospital - I am good, pulling strength from places even I didn't know existed.

I am so very thankful for your well wishes, prayers & encouragement through phone calls, e-mails. text, & even comments on my blog. They mean more than you will ever know.

Wordless Wednesday: La, La, La

2010-08-11T09:02:00.002-04:00

Christian Soren, 5.22.2010

Praying For Dad

2010-08-10T11:52:00.001-04:00

Dear Friends,

I wanted to write you to touch base with you & let you know what is going on with my family. My dad, whose name is Rodney, is very sick. For weeks now, he has been fighting an infection at his pacemaker/defibrillator site that they have been trying to treat with antibiotics, in the hopes that they could prevent a very serious & dangerous surgery that may end his life or cause him to need emergency open heart surgery or, quite possibly both.

All attempts to prevent the surgery have failed & he was told today that the surgery is a must.

However, right now, he is too sick for them to attempt the operation. Yesterday, he was rushed to the hospital, after being weak & very sick for days. He has a massive staph infection throughout his body caused by the initial infection they have been trying to battle. His blood pressure is extremely low. His liver & kidneys are malfunctioning. In addition, his blood is super thin & they are trying to thicken it so that when he is more stable, they can transport him to JHH for the operation.

I would be very thankful if you would keep my dad & my family in your thoughts & prayers.

Update: Only Moments

2010-08-09T17:08:00.005-04:00

If you have been following my blog, you may have read this a couple of days ago. Here is an update:

Finally, after days of being sick & not being able to get out of bed, we finally were able to get Dad to go to the hospital. I really don't know any details, just that he is there, which has to be a good thing bc he he has really had small amounts of liquid & food for days.

As for Aunt Elaine, she is home from the hospital & is resting comfortably. This is great news & I hope to get the chance to see her soon.

Thanks for all the prayers. I really appreciate them. More than you know.

Saying Sundays: Time

2010-08-08T09:02:00.000-04:00

“Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't own it, but you can use it. You can't keep it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it, you can never get it back."

~Harvey MacKay

Only Moments

2010-08-06T13:57:00.007-04:00

Only moments ago, I found out that Aunt Elaine, who has been battling cancer, has been rushed to the hospital. I don't know the details, only that it is serious.

I have been wanting to write about her, & about what she means to me - to put it mildly, she means the world, but I've been at a loss for words, just trying to sort through things myself.

Hopefully some day soon, I'll be able to share with you who she is, what she has meant to me, & the moments - & laughs, lots of them, that we share together.

For this moment though, I will pray. Won't you do the same?

Stream of Consciousness: In the Midst

2010-08-05T22:54:00.006-04:00

I want to run. Hide. Get away from it all.

Right now, there is so much great stuff going on, but so much not great stuff going on too. There is a huge pressure on me right now. I can't breathe or stand it another second.

I can feel myself pulling away & somehow, even though I don't want to & know I shouldn't, it feels like that is my only solution. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be close to you. I don't want to trust you. Or anyone for that matter.

I am so tired. Tired of it all. Tired of being hurt. Tired of things not working out. Tired of having to take & put up with other people's crap. And it's all crap. I must have a sign on me that says "Dump on me!" Don't you see it? It's there, it's got to be.

I want you to care. Why is it, that I feel so alone? I try to tell you how I feel & you yell at me. You are supposed to be my safe place to fall. I don't even think I know what it feels like to have one, really.

I should be used to this, right? You think after everything I would be. Wrong. You are oh-so-wrong. My dad is sick. My mom is sick. My Aunt is sick. I am sick.

All I want is to get away for two days. Get my head clear. Gain a little perspective. It should be easy, right? Wrong again. So very difficult to do if you have this wheelchair connected to you 24/7. No one gets it. Not even you.

So, I'll run. Till I find what I'm looking for & even I don't know what that is or where to look . I just know it's not here. In the midst of it all.

Wordless Wednesday: Side By Side

2010-08-04T14:27:00.005-04:00

Overload

2010-08-03T14:57:00.009-04:00

I am all over the place lately, which is neither a good nor bad thing - just exhausting.

Problem is just like I'm all over the place, so is my head. Calming my body is one thing, calming my mind is a total different ball game. It is always easier said than done. Always.

I can't stop thinking about family & friends, both here & gone, that I miss. In fact, for whatever reason, huge tears cascade down my face as I'm writing this. And I'm not even sure I can tell you why.

I am so on overload.

I had a great weekend spending time with family & friends, some which I have not seen since our wedding 5 years & others even longer. It was amazing actually.

As crazy as it may seem, I miss the family I used to have. And I so desperately miss the family that I want to have, if that's even possible. That is the only want I know how to put it, & even that doesn't fit well.

In a couple of hours one of my best friends, Beth, is coming over & then all 4 of us, including Beth's husband, Will & Jake will meet for dinner. This is just what I need. Sometime with friends who we haven't see since the end of June, which has been way too long in my opinion.

So, hopefully, by tomorrow, I'll feel a little better. Not so overloaded. And more able to focus. One thing is for sure though - even now, I know I am loved & care for by people in my life, no matter how much I miss them.

Update: On Dad

2010-08-02T11:27:00.008-04:00

Here's the long a waited update on Dad. He went to see several doctors. His regular heart Dr., who I'll call Dr. R, has a long history with my family. He was my Granddad's Dr. & has been my dad's Dr. for many years. It goes without saying that my family has a long history with him.

The second Dr. is the Heart Dr. at JHH who has operated on dad's heart for the past 2 years years. I will call him Dr. H.

First, Dad had to see Dr. H, for a follow up after he was finished all antibiotics he was given. His chest was still a little swollen & red, but the Dr., who is hoping not to operate on dad's heart bc he has see his heart up close & personal & knows how risky this operation will be for him, said he wants to see him in a couple of weeks.

A couple of days after this visit, Dad told me his chest was more swollen & red. When I tried to get him to call the doctor - any heart doctor, either Dr. R. or Dr. H., Dad refused & said in a couple of days he had a appointment with Dr. R..

When he went to that appointment, Dr. R. said he wants Dad to make an appointment with Dr. H. again. When I asked dad about it, he said he wanted to wait a while, a few weeks & see what happens. Much to my protest, believe me.

That was last week.

Within, 24 hrs. Dad has been hit with his defibrillator twice, the last time less than two hrs ago. I just don't know anymore. And I'm completely frustrated. Beyond belief.

I fear my dad has given up on life. I know he is tired. I know he thinks has a burden & a bother. He's not. He is my dad. And I love him.

Please pray.

Saying Sundays: Developing Courage

2010-08-01T09:02:00.001-04:00

“You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships everyday. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.”

~ Epicurus

Greek philosopher,

BC 341-270

You Love Me Anyway

2010-07-31T09:02:00.000-04:00

Happy Birthday, Beautiful!

2010-07-30T13:46:00.009-04:00

Mom & Me, Easter Sunday 1985

Dear Mom,

I can't imagine what your eyes have seen, your hands have done & all the places your feet have led you in your 70 years of existence. When I try to imagine it, it is overwhelming. Oh, & by the way - if I ever live to see 70, I hope that I age as gracefully as you. You are so beautiful.

Mom, 6.6.2010

I know that we don't pick our parents, or our children for that matter, but I must tell you that I am glad that you are my mom. I know that may seem strange for me to say given our history, but it's the truth. No, we haven't always gotten along, seen eye to eye, been easy to live with, but we always loved one another, even if it was hard to tell at times.

You were the best mom you knew how to be when you knew how to be it. I don't know if you have regrets about me or life in general, but I want to tell you that life is much fuller when you let go of those regrets.

You have taught me to be kind & loving to those I love. That by doing the little things that matter the most, people around me will know they are thought of more than they realize. You have taught me that education is important & no one take away my intelligence, no matter how much they may try.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned is that perseverance & determination are the paths that lead greatness, because no matter what you faced over the years, you kept moving foward & did what you needed to make sure I had everything I ever needed.

It's funny what I see now that I was blinded to before. I guess that's God's gift to us - that, as we get older, we see our life & the people in it differently. If nothing else, know this is the truth & always will be - I love you more than words can express & I am so blessed to call you my mom.

Love Always,

Tears & Laughter

2010-07-29T09:02:00.000-04:00

Last week, on my birthday, Stacey did a post on her blog on how we met & become best friends. So, I thought I would share it with you here.

It's never ceases to amaze me how she can always seem to make me cry & laugh in the same post. She does that often. I'm just grateful that I can call such an amazing person, my friend.

There's A First Time For Everything

2010-07-27T09:02:00.000-04:00

I guest blogged last week for one of my favorite people in the world. Hop on over to Musing of a Mommie to hear what I had to say... Errr... In this case, say again.

What's A Girl to Do?

2010-07-26T10:25:00.004-04:00

So, I'm a little behind. On everything.

My blog. My life.

I spent the week feeling not so well do to med changes. My computer been acting crazy - sluggish, timing out, not loading right - just about everything that drives me crazy then some.

This week I'm going to try & catch up the best that I can. I have some post to finish, some post that beg to be written, there are pictures that need to attended it to badly & my Mom's 70th birthday is Friday, & her party is Saturday.

So for the next few days or so I'm going do some re-directing. Stacey did a post I want to share & I did some guest blogging for her. Stay tuned for that...

Things seem a little crazy at the moment. Emotionally, I have a million thoughts & things going on. I tried to call Stacey the last couple of days to talk to her, but I couldn't get a hold of her. Thea was away for her birthday & Beth is on vacation. What does a girl do when she can't access some of her best friends?

Go crazy & drive others there with her.

I just got things weighing heavy on my heart lately. Stuff I'll get through, I know. I just wanna talk it out with someone. Never underestimate the power of a friendly ear & a best friend.

Saying Sundays: What Counts The Most

2010-07-25T09:02:00.002-04:00

“And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.”

~~ Abraham Lincoln, 16th United States President,
who brought about the emancipation of the slaves,
1809-1865

A Girls Day Out

2010-07-24T11:01:00.005-04:00

As I sit here, I'm waiting for Theresa to come pick me up so that we may spend the day together. I am be excited. As it always seems a pattern with us, we have many meaningful conversations & never really get to finish any of them. I hope to change that today.

However, there is no real agenda for today, other then spending time together & catching up.

I was supposed go to her house & spend a night last night, but her air condition is on the fritz & won't be fixed until. the middle of next week. And here in Maryland, we have been having some incredibly hot days. Yesterday, it was 91 degrees at 11:30 at night. It was incredibly muggy too.

Theresa had a rough night. It was still 83 degrees in her house at 3 AM. So there is a late start today, but I don't care. It's not how much time you spend with someone, but rather the quality of the time that matters the most.

July 23, 2010

2010-07-23T12:23:00.004-04:00

Today, is my 34th birthday... I really wish I had time to post the post I've been working on & do a post as I want to today, but as always, life has other plans.

My best friend Stacey wrote this about me today on her blog. It made me laugh, & cry, & then I was frustrated bc it would not let me leave a comment. {:( I love her very much & am so lucky to have her in my life.

Grab someone you love & care about & tell them how much they mean to you. Me? I'm very blessed & I hope you feel blessed today too.

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM (Part 2)

2010-07-16T01:43:00.006-04:00

How ironic it is that I am writing this post at about the same time that I wrote the first one - completely unplanned - I assure you.

So, as luck would have it (or maybe it wasn't luck after all), I really like my new doctor. She is very nice, understanding & patient, all things I was concerned about. And she is super supportive of me TTC, or doing whatever I feel comfortable with at the given time. In others words, what I want to do is up to me.

There are a few medical concerns though, but nothing that has to do with my Cerebral Palsy. And though I choose not to go into specifics at this time as to what they are, lets just say they are things that I'm not only aware of, but concerned with too. And there is no reason that as long as these concerns are managed, I wouldn't have a completely healthy pregnancy when the time comes.

However, she did mention my weight & suggested that I may consider gastric bypass considering my medical history & my lack of mobility. She made sure to tell me she's not a fan of suggesting it to her patients at all either.

I'm not quite sure what I think about her saying that in general, but it was clear it was only said as something to consider for the future & that it was not said out of any other context but a caring concern. I'm so not a fan of that either & I would never even consider that at all. So there is differences in opinion there.

She also gave me a referral to preconceptual counseling again, since it has been many years that I went for the same thing before, but she made sure to let me know that it was completely up to me if I wanted to go again.

I was glad given the circumstances of the day: new doctor, lots of pain due to the rain, nerves, & a cold room (which doesn't do well for my CP, as it causes me to be more spastic & have less of a range of motion), my appointment went as well as it did.

Reflecting on the visit I was pleased that it went the way it did, knowing that it could have went many other ways. Who wouldn't love a doctor whose patient, explains things, answers questions, & last advice for us in TTC is "Have fun trying."

Stream of Consciousness: Almost 2 AM

2010-07-14T01:48:00.001-04:00

It's late at night - or early in the morning rather - & I cannot sleep. As I write this, I hear the pitter-patter of rain on my air conditioner. It's pouring outside. Ironically though as much as we need the rain, I do not care for the pain it tends to bring with it for me.

I also have so many thoughts in my head & history has proven that - mixed with the late hour - this is not a good thing for me. In just a couple hours, I will go see a new doctor. And it's a GYN on top off that, so I am anxiety ridden.

A million questions swim in my head. Has she ever had a patient with Cerebral Palsy before? Is she patient & understanding? Will she listen to me & my concerns? Will she dismiss me? Will she be understanding if I don't get in the right position the first time (or the tenth) for her to examine me? Will she mention my weight?

{It's not like I don't know I'm fat. I get it. Believe it or not, I actually have a mirror or two around the house. I always find it so ironic how people feel the need to state the obvious like they are doing me a favor by mentioning my weight, like they are cluing me in on some deeply kept secret or something. Just sayin'.}

Perhaps the biggest worry is will she be supportive of me trying to conceive? I'm stressed enough without this worry. I just don't think any one's opinions on what they think is good for me really is going to matter, at least it shouldn't anyway. So, I really hope this appointment goes well, I like her, she's encouraging & supportive. That would just be peachy.

Then to top it off, Jake does not know where he put the papers that I'm supposed to fill out each year, so unless I find them, I will have to fill them out at the office, which I always hate doing considering it is a stack of papers & they have been less accommodating in the past, as clip boards don't really ever seem to do the trick for me. Oh well. Life goes on.

I also have other things going through my head, but I think I will keep those thoughts to myself for now. I'm not sure I have the time or energy to write about it yet, as I'm just so exhausted. Literally.

Well, it seems that the rain outside has turned to hail, even though it is the middle of July almost. At least it sounds that way. We are really having a storm here. I can't even hear Jake snoring from across the room anymore. Secretly, I wonder if I will be able to quiet my mind & body enough to join him.

Saying Sundays: Limitations

2010-07-11T09:02:00.003-04:00

"I seldom think about my limitations, and they never make me sad. Perhaps there is just a touch of yearning at times; but it is vague, like a breeze among flowers."

~ Helen Keller

Pearls of Wisdom

2010-07-09T12:24:00.007-04:00

"A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

~~ Stephan Hoeller

(1931 - )

Writer, Scholar and Religious Leader

Dearest Theresa,

It's funny how friends pick up on littlest things. And I think it is ironic how we choose through our friendship, by the way we have designed it, to lift each other up, bc trust me when I say - not all friends do that.

I know you say that I have been a great friend to you, but you, Theresa, have been such a great friend to me as well. Never forget that.

For whatever reason, I'm struggling right now. I can't really tell you what I'm going through, partly bc it's hard to put into words & partly bc I don't want to put it into words, but know this... God has brought me to this wonderful place for His Glory. If you know me, & at this point I would say you have a good idea who I am, then you know that I don't witness very well... At least I don't think I do.

But nevertheless, I do witness in my own way bc for whatever reason, God has brought me through some pretty horrible unspeakable things - some things that no one knows to this day. And it is only through His love, His grace & His mercy that I am where I am. And not only where I am, but who I am.

So you may say that I, in a sense, have gained many pearls of wisdom along the way. Well, I don't know about wisdom, but I do know that I earned every one of those pearls.

I love you too.

Always Blessed,

TTC: Giving It to Him

2010-07-06T21:55:00.005-04:00

Dear God,

I have had enough. So, I'm turning it all over to You & You alone. I can see things falling into place, but I know You see the the entire picture & this glorious plan You have chosen for me. You are what I am not... All seeing & knowing. I trust You, & only You.

It is just not up to me when I have a family or what family I have, just as I didn't chose what family I was born into. To others, they are not perfect, but they are the perfect family for me. You chose them for me, just as You will will chose me for someone I have not yet met. Someone already chosen. Chosen by You.

I am truly given this over to You. Every bit of it. For whatever reason, what I'm doing has not worked. I will no longer stress over things out of my control. At least not about this. You have a reason for it all, & that truly is enough for me.

So here I am, pondering this journey I have found myself on & this little thing called hope. Realizing that I would be nothing without You & Your unconditional love for me. I can't tell You why I know the things I do or I'm certain that everything will be okay, I just know it will be. I guess it's bc I know You.

I love You & I want to thank You for the mercy & grace You have chosen to bestow upon me. Thank You. Thank You for it all.

Forever Yours,

Blog Hop: Hope Floats

2010-07-06T13:18:00.010-04:00

{This Blog Hop was started by Joanna @ Raising Madison. So hop on by & see what all the fuss is about.}

"Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will."

~~ Birdee Pruitt (Sandra Bullock)

in the movie, Hope Floats

Sometimes I think of hope as what remains when there is nothing left.

Over the years, just as my faith has changed, so have my hopes & dreams. Gone are the days that I hope I matter to someone. Now, I know I do.

Gone are the times that I hope there was more than being lost in despair. Now, I'm happy, full of light & life.

Gone are the days when I hoped I was loved, Now, I know, without doubt, I am loved... So much, & by so many , it is beyond words.

I still have many hopes today, just like I did back then. I hope one day, God will chose to bless me with a child that I can call my own, but in some strange way, as if I can see the future, I know He will.

I hope that my family & friends know just how much I love & care for them, even if time, distance or words fail me. I will forever be blessed by the people who are in my life & who have been in my life in the past.

And I hope that as life goes on, I will never take one single thing for granted - not one kind word or a hug from a friend bc in the end, those are the things that matter the most. And in some strange way that defies explanation, it is in those small moments - when we need it the most - that hope floats up.

TTC: And the Truth Will Set Me Free

2010-07-05T23:37:00.011-04:00

The say the truth will set a person free. So, here it goes. In April of 2007, Jacob & I decided to start a family or try to at least. So for over the past 3 years we have been trying to conceive.

Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to be a Mom. And for just about as long, time & time again, people have been telling me what a great mom I would be. Well, I don't know about that. What I do know is that I would love being a mom & Jake would love being a dad. In fact, he is so ready to be a dad.

We didn't start out by telling everyone on the planet. And certainly I would have never dreamed of telling in on my very public blog. See, not everyone has been supportive. And I just don't care to deal with naysayers.

Cerebral Palsy is not genetic. I cannot pass it on to my child. Sure, there is always a chance of it occurring, but there is no more of a chance of it occurring with my child than it is with yours. And as for being in a wheelchair, I can do everything that it takes to raise a child that you can do out of one just in a different way.

I have dealt with family, friends, & doctors that have not been supportive, but the bottom line is no one can give me any legitimate reason not to have a child. I even went for preconceptional counseling in 2005 & after some medication adjustments & such, no one could not see any reason why I shouldn't be given the opportunity to be a mom.

And really, it's not up to any one else anyway. Just Jacob & I. But the truth is - I am tired. Month after month being filled with disappointment as either my period shows up or there is a Big Fat Negative (BFN) staring back at me. And it's just amazing how those months pile up & turn into years.

And if you know me, you know that I truly believe with all of my being that there is a time & place for everything, neither of which I really have any say in. Even though that is still true & I still whole-heartedly believe that - does not mean that I don't get disappointed or discouraged.

I do. I am human.

So there it is. It's out there. On my very public blog. Strangely, this is more freeing than I thought it would be. This is always how the truth should feel.

God Bless The USA

2010-07-04T09:02:00.000-04:00

Happy Fouth of July, Everyone! Please have a fun & safe Holiday!

Blog Hop: Letter to the Teenage Me

2010-06-30T20:36:00.011-04:00

{This Blog Hop has you write a letter to your younger self. Here is mine.}

Dear Shannon,

It'll be years before you'll understand this, but trust me, it's all true. I know your having a difficult time. Right now, you are deep into your depression, your relationship with your mom is hostile, your dad is no where to be found, your brother, Damon, is sick & Lea is just trying to do the best that he can to figure things out for himself.

I know you've lost so many friends & love ones to death & people who are trying to comfort you tell you that in time you will feel better. They mean well, but they are lying. It doesn't get easier. At all. There will always be an ache in your heart, like part of your soul is gone. You will never stop yearning to feel their presence or to get just one last day to spend with them. You will however get through it, but even then it will always hurt.

Believe it or not, you won't always be depressed. There is a light in this blackness that you feel, & one day, it will just be there. The truth is it's always been there. The darkness just covers it up & makes it hard to see. I know there are times when you want to die. Stick it out. Believe me, it'll all be worth it. And one day, you will be glad your attempts were not successful & others, some who you haven't even met yet, will be glad you are still here too.

Oh, and that God you are so mad at - He is still there too. Even as you say horrible things to Him, push Him away & blame Him for all the bad things in your life - He is still there. He will always be there. In fact, you will come to know Him on such a personal level, it may be hard for others to understand. That's okay, it doesn't matter who understands. Your realationship is personal. It is real. And full of love.

I know there are people you cling to right now. They are your best friends & they have pulled you some tough times & will pull you through things that haven't even happened yet. Right now, they are your world. And that's okay, for now...

Please trust me when I say, that some people - even your best friends - aren't meant to stay in your life forever. You will forever be thankful to them & they will always have a place in your heart. Believe me - a place in your heart & a place in your life are two different things.

I know you think you will never find someone to love. Who would love someone who is disabled & emotionally broken like you? Right? Wrong. You are oh so wrong. The truth is that we are all broken. Every single one of us. Not one of us is perfect, untouched, without flaws.

You will meet your husband in a couple of years, & even though she won't believe you, you will tell Thea that you are going to marry him someday. You will go away from him for many years, but God will make sure that just when you are content with who you are & where you are. It is then your paths will cross again.

Your marriage, like the rest of life, won't be easy. Especially, in the early years. You will come close to leaving him several times, but you stick it out. That's what you do. Besides, you realize that you love him too much to ever leave him.

As for being a mom, after trying for years, it'll happen when you least expect it. Even though there are times when you doubt, you know without question that God is in control. He will give you the perfect addition to your family that comes along at the perfect time. You see, as hard as it may be to see (& it's even more difficult to admit) God loves you & wants the best for you. And that means doing things on His time, not yours.

Trust me, Shannon, where I sit now is so far from where you sit as you read this. So far, in fact, that it will seem like two totally different lives of two totally different people. You will have changed so much.

You are strong. And it will be tough. Life is is no way ever easy. Ever. You will go through things that others can't comprehend. It's okay. Just remember that "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy." And in the end, you are never alone & are loved. Always.

With Love & Gratitude,

Wordless Wednesday: For The Love of Grandsons

2010-06-30T09:02:00.000-04:00

Kevin, Pop, & Jason, 6.28.2010

Happy 9th Birthday, Kevin!

2010-06-29T18:54:00.009-04:00

Kevin, 6.28.2003

Dear Kevin,

This is one of the first pictures I took of you, just the night before you turned 3. I cannot believe you are nine today. You are growing up right in front of my eyes.

Gone are the days when you run to me & ask me to put Neeeemoo" in the DVD player. Now, you are all about Pop Pop's computer & any shooting game you can find. The one thing I love though is what a great athlete you are becoming. I love to watch you in Little League, although I didn't get to do much of it this season bc Uncle Jake was helping coach Jason's T-Ball team.

You are very smart. Too smart for your own good sometimes. You are quick-witted & always want to learn new things. You are extremely competitive & always looking for a challenge, especially if it means showing up your brother. {:)

You love Lisa & always making sure she doesn't do something that she shouldn't or that would get her hurt. Secretly, I am hoping that when she starts dating, you will be the same protective big brother you are now.

I love seeing you grow up, but I can't believe how much time has passed. I fell in love with your blue eyes 7 years ago, & I'm still in love with them, although they aren't as blue anymore. They are a brilliant gray now, but also seem to have flecks of other colors that get highlighted depending on what you where. They are just stunning & I can't help but be captivated by them still.

Kevin, 6.29.2010

I want you to know that I love you, Kevin, & always will. You will always hold a special place within my heart.

Love Always,

Aunt

Saying Sundays: On Happiness

2010-06-27T09:02:00.006-04:00

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Author of "Eat, Pray, Love"

Midnight Thoughts

2010-06-26T00:13:00.006-04:00

It's a little after midnight on Saturday morning. Time is tick, tick, ticking away & I don't seem to be winding down for bed anytime soon. Although I am extremely exhausted.

Only hours ago, Dad got released from the hospital with a PICC line & will be on IV antibiotics & then oral after that. Hopefully, this will nix this infection & he will not be need for surgery.

Stress is funny. And my body reacts to stress all the time. I hate to say that I'm in pain, but I am. And things between Jake & I have been strained for days. Again, I so need him to be my safe place to fall & truthfully, I don't know if he knows how to be that.

I love him so much. And we've been getting along better than ever. Seriously. My marriage has never been better. It's difficult though when both of us are pulled in what seems like in a million different directions, both by our own devices & by family.

I just need time away. There is a part of me that desperately needs to connect, not only to Jake, but close friends as well. The ones who truly know me & who love me, without condition. I need to be recharged {:)

So, hopefully, things will fall into place soon... for everyone. Until then, I'll just keep typing out my thoughts & praying, knowing that things will happen when & how they are supposed to be.

Sleep awaits.

Bring the Rain: Coming Through Storms

2010-06-24T12:11:00.007-04:00

I am blessed. I truly am.

Exhausted as I've been, I have not forgotten this. Dad's doctors have decided at this point that surgery is just a little too risky & are putting things in place for him to go home on IV antibiotics for one week, oral for the next & then they will reassess.

Don't be fooled. I'm not blessed bc my dad's not having surgery. I'm not that superficial - never have been. And I don't believe God - at least the one I believe in - is superficial either.

I find it funny how some praise God when life is great & blame him when things are not so great. Believe it or not, I used to be one of these people. I don't blame Him for anything now. I am a firm believer that when you know better, you do better. Or in this case, when you know better, you believe differently.

One of my favorite songs, puts into words how I'm feel. Take a listen:

The thing is, I would be nothing with Him. He has brought me through some amazing, treacherous storms. Storms that others may not have survive. Yet, here I am not only surviving, but thriving.

So, onward I go... praising with His Grace & blessings along the way.

Eat, Pray, Love

2010-06-24T09:02:00.000-04:00

Out of Reach

2010-06-23T07:28:00.010-04:00

It's nearly 7:30 AM & I've had an sleepless night. I wanted this post to be wordless, maybe a cute picture of my friend Stacey's child Christian, but that will have to wait.

Dad is going to be transferred to Hopkins today. As of the day before last, he has had 19 rounds of antibiotics. I know that it is more by now. When he gets transferred, he will undergo an operation to clean out the infection that is in defibrillator site.

I cannot lie, I am worried. There is a unsettling feeling within me. I'm am sure things will turn out to be okay. It's just that this infection is an abscess is in his heart. No doubt, this operation is more complicated than in the past.

Usually, I have a calmness about me when it comes to days like these. It is a calmness that I miss, like a best friend has gone away or is just out of reach. I know, with all the logic that I possess, that God has a plan & it is His, not mine. He is in control, not me. Somehow that should make me feel better, but it doesn't - not this time.

I don't even know if they will do anything today besides transfer him. I guess that is part of what is adding to my feelings, not knowing. It is long distance from the current hospital to call me, so right now, I just have to call every couple of hours to see what's going on & gather information as I can.

Until then, I will pray. And hope that calmness come into reach soon.

Extraordinary Things

2010-06-19T05:06:00.012-04:00

I haven't seen Jamie, since about 1997, which is something like a billion years ago or 13, depending on how you do the math. Truthfully, I must confess it seems like a lifetime ago, when I was a different person, & in so many ways, living a different life.

I met her in the summer of my 8th grade year, her 9th. I was working at what was to be my new high school that just happen to house the Summer Chorale Program for students throughout the county.

Our friendship began in the oddest of ways, although there was nothing extraordinary about the ordinary moments that lead up to how it began, or so I thought. I simply tagged along with some friends as they went to the local Friendly's after the Choir concert was over. When I got there, all the people that I knew were sitting at tables that were already full. I felt so out place.

I looked around & I asked Jamie, who I did not know at the time, if I could join her table & so I did. She wind up driving me home that night too. And for whatever reason that still baffles me to this day, we ended up having a four hour conversation in my driveway. And so our friendship began.

For reasons unknown to me, I trusted her right away. Although we had just met, I felt I had known her my whole life. She quickly became one of my best friends & truly loved me unconditionally, which was no easy task at the time.

The summer that we met was also the summer that I got diagnosed with depression & started counseling. Way back when I started this blog, I wrote this entry about my depression & yes, Jamie was one of the people that I was talking about when I wrote that entry. In fact, I remember writing it thinking of her, wondering where she was & if she would ever get the opportunity to see the person I am now.

Back then, I was not an easy person to love. At all. I was deep into my depression & very suicidal for many years, & could not see anything but darkness, so why live, right? I literally was living in hell, not getting a long with my mother, having an absent father who I hated for leaving me & spending hours upon hours at the bar instead of where I so desperately needed him to be - in my life.

And to top it all people were dying left & right. Death was all around me, I was so immersed in grief, I was beside myself. Oh yeah, and God? I was so angry at him it was not funny. I so desperately wanted to be loved by him, but I hated him for what my life had become.

For years, time & again, Jamie was always there for me. I am sure there are times when she wanted to be done with me, walk away & never look back. I'll say it again, I was not an easy person to love... but she did it anyway. I used to call her "my friend with a heart of gold" & trust me, it was the truth.

One day, we just grew apart. We were both busy in college. Our paths went in different directions. Over the years, I had always wondered about her, prayed for her, hoped she was doing well, hoped she was happy. Some time ago, we found each other on Facebook. And that led to last night.

Looking back, I am in awe at just how amazing God was. How amazing He is. God knew what he was doing when he made us friends. I will forever be thankful for the friendship we had, bc without it I don't know if I would be here, & there is only a handful of friends I can say that about.

I don't know if we will be friends again. I do not know if it's in His plan. What I do know is that, regardless of what may or may not happen in the future, I will forever be grateful that He can make extraordinary things from ordinary moments.

Jamie & Me, 6.18.2010

My Heart Aches

2010-06-18T12:05:00.004-04:00

My mind is racing. I so want it to stop. You think I would be used to this by now. I just can't bare having to let go of another loved one. Cancer sucks. I wish I knew what to do to make it better, make it go away.

But on the other hand, she is not gone yet. She is still living. I wonder if I will get to tell her everything I have always wanted to say. Knowing that when I looked back, years from now, even if I got that chance, I will have still wanted to say more. That's how it always is.

My mom is heartbroken. I don't blame her. Aunt Elaine has been her friend for so long. It is hard to hear her cry. I can relate to her on so many levels - having loss so much. Having loss so many & grieved more times than I care to count.

If you know me, or have read my blog for any amount time, you know that I always try to see the positive in things. You know that I know God has a plan. You know I know that he uses everything - both good & bad, & makes it for His good. I still know all those things, but it does not make me feel better today.

I wish I could tell others that I'm allowed to have a bad day or days, as the case may be - I'm allowed to feel bad - & still believe those things. Just bc I feel bad right at the moment does not, in any way, shape or form, mean that I don't believe in His Plan. Believing in Him, knowing that he is in control, does not mean that I cannot feel emotion. He created me, & I am human after all.